If There Was a Cork Pope

13th Mar 2013

Although the bookmakers are giving fairly long odds on the next Pope being a Corkonian we shouldn’t rule out the possibility of it happening very soon given the quick turnover of the last fella who has decided he lost his Holy mojo and would prefer a quiet retirement rather than doing mass on a windy balcony every Sunday.

We take a look at how a Corkman in charge would, or at least should, impose his heritage on the big job…

Altar Stout
Wine may have been revered in the third century when Christians were lashing the bible together in caves but a Cork pope would have far more respect for stout when it comes to alcohol so you can be sure the little decanter of wine would be replaced with a keg of Murphy’s or Beamish and a cooler under the altar. Wine has always been a more feminine tipple, there are many pubs on Cork’s northside that might kick a fella out for ordering a cabernet sauvignon so morally the pope would find it difficult to see his priests sipping puny droplets of wine every Sunday instead of manly slugs of the black stuff.

Fr. Murphy tending to the sacraments

In the pre-communion prayers there would be an awkward silence while the priest waits for the stout to settle – just like your local, it might be a good time to nip out for a cigarette or kick off a bit of idle chat about how Pebbles O’Sullivan is settling into the half forward line with the hurlers – before driving on with the rest of the mass. God would appreciate the wait though – He’s pretty good at biding time.

Road Bowling in Rome
If a Corkonian took up the top job at the Vatican you can be sure one of his big missions would be to setup a road bowling scene around the city as it is a popular sport among the religious in Cork. Although there are no obvious references in the bible to road bowling, there are reports of many long journeys on foot around the roads of Israel that are peppered with rest stops and interactions with locals just like any normal Sunday’s roadbowling.

The bowling bishop from Cork

Who’s to say the disciples didn’t take the edge off their long arduous journeys by driving a few iron bowls ahead of them to alleviate the boredom. #

Dresses
For an institution whose overall credibility is in question with many, if not most, young Corkonians, getting rid of some of the old wizard costumes should be a top priority and surely something a practical no-bullshit Corkonian pope would implement  as soon as he gets his Rebel toes in the Vatican front door.

Two men in pink dresses

Earnest and sometimes camp adult men saying mass in long pink dresses who are members of a group that condemns homosexuality is a tad ironic. Either ditch the skirts or, preferably, the murrayeah homophobia .
 
More Craic
Corkonians who go to mass may find the relentless repetition of the almost identical word-for-word ceremony a bit boring. Who would blame them? Nobody wants to watch the same episode of Father Ted over and over again. Pass Connolly Hall or any other new protestant church on a Sunday and it sounds like the craic is mighty with music, cheering, singing and chanting bursting through the windows and doors.

Mass is desperately boring and repetitious. A Cork pope would need to sort it out.

Corkonians love a bit of a hooley so why does mass have to feel like you’re stuck in a cold 14^th century library? A Cork pope would need to sort this out – high tempo foot tapping music, big drums, ball hopping, dancefloors and share out the altar stout among the faithful.

Miracles on Leeside       
With the election of a Cork pope the county would instantly get more recognition from God. You can imagine his reaction when he finds out the new pontiff’s origins:

“Oh yes, he’s from  Cork! I love Cork! I spent ages making that place!”

Overnight the Rebel county would become a bastion of miracles and holiness. Anyone who says the rosary would be able to walk across the Lough without getting wet and frustrated fishermen would bring home extraordinarily large catches (this would be cleverly done by the miracle of abolition of EU fishing quotas – through divine intervention of course – via Minister Simon Coveney below in Carrigaline).

Prawn Again Christians

Money Spinner
The objective of The Gathering is to get more tourists spending more money in Ireland. With a billion Catholics and a Cork pope, like the Cork politician who made it big in the Dáil, his Holiness would be expected to “deliver for Cork” by all of us back home. You don’t become the head of the Catholic church and not sort out your chosen few (ahem!). No Corkonian who finds himself in a position of power wants to condemned by his own as a langer.

At the very least, he’d have to play his part in organising a few giant masses in the Rebel county and a visit to the moving statue at Ballinspittle would be generate handy  revenue from international pilgrims pouring through Cork airport. 

A Bit of Pull
Given the controversial comments of Presentation College principal Ken Whyte last week about the sobriety of his students’ parents it could be handy to have known the Cork pope personally before he made it big – especially if you wanted to get your child into a private school like Pres, Christians or Scoil Mhuire.

Notice outside a non-fee paying Cork school

It would make a big difference if the school principal got a call from the main man in Rome to insist you and your spouse are off the drink – as we all know even parent teacher meetings in all other secondary schools have to offer free cans of beer to attract mums and dads to parent-teacher meetings.

A Cork pope could be just what an ailing Catholic church needs to kick it into shape so maybe one day when we hear “Habemus Papam!” (‘We have a new pope’) we’ll see red smoke emanating from the conclave in the Vatican accompanied by cries of cardinals shouting “up the Rebels!”. 

Murrayeah red smoke at the Vatican