Ireland to Pay For Casino Losses

1st Dec 2010

Punters who place large irrational bets on roulette, poker games, Champions League matches and many other risky pursuits may now have their losses paid for by Irish tax payers. In a radical new philosophical document on the role of state governments, the Republic of Ireland will now account for the losses of any private individual in the European Union who loses money.

Whether you've thrown a few million into a dodgy bank run by an arrogant thicko who didn't get a single honour in his leaving cert, been losing a tenner at the 2.30 at Doncaster for the last twenty years or simply shoved it all into a fruit machine - fear not: the Irish taxpayer is here to help you recoup your losses in full. Not only that but you can lend us money to pay you back and we'll also pay you whatever interest rate you want!

Cork Hurler Niall Mac lets his American friends know that no matter how much they lose the Irish taxpayer will foot the bill!

The Republic of Ireland currently has only €25 billion in cash reserves which was previously ear marked for pensions. This however has already been allocated to compensate other private sector gamblers as part of the IMF/EU "bailout". A new directive by Irish prime minister Brian Cowen allows any European to regain gambling or casino losses by applying to the Department of Finance in Dublin.

LAS VEGAS
A delegation from the much criticised government agency will soon go on a trade mission to Las Vegas in an attempt to convince serial gamblers to take compensation for their losses from the Irish purse. The tour will also taken in parts of the US hardest hit by sub-prime mortgages and Mother Hibernia will offer to take on loans from dodgy lenders and sharks.

Irish slaves may be sold to Bangladesh to raise money to pay for German, Dutch and French bondholders.

UP THE BUM
It has also been suggested by some Europeans that Fianna Fáil's grip on Irish society could help reduce crime elsewhere in the EU. For example, rapists who turn themselves into police before committing a heinous act will be presented with an Irish taxpayer's bare bottom instead.

The rapist can then be assured of at least getting his evil lot as Irish citizens step in to take the place of the European victim. This will help greatly reduce rape on the European continent thus making the EU project a roaring success.

SLAVERY
The four year plan issued by Dublin includes a provision for selling young Irish adults into slavery to work in the cotton factories of Bangladesh to raise funds to pay off the mounting debt. This will greatly reduce unemployment and the fiscal burden on the Irish state.

Corkonians are hoping their county will be sold on the open market as the county has desired independence for centuries. Countries such as Jamaica and Santa Ponza are said to be interested.