Is Everyone from Togher Very Melodramatic?

4th May 2019

Even though we are a notch above the rest, Cork people aren’t all the same – perfection doesn’t mean homogeneity. If you travel around the city and county you’ll find some quirky traits that make each of the jewels in Cork’s crown unique. Here are a selection:

People From Togher Are Very Melodramatic
If you’re ever short of a few bob for a show at one of the city’s fine theatres, an alternative is to take a stroll through Togher where there’s always some kind of drama going on – at least in its citizen’s heads.

Superb story telling skills combined with the power of exaggeration, a burning desire to fill-in-the-blanks in any tale and a highly successful local hurling team- it’s all part of the Togheronian’s lust for high drama.

An otherwise unremarkable story about a neighbour’s pet hamster wandering out the back door towards Clashduv turns into something approaching the season finale of Game of Thrones.
 

Shieldsy found a large cup to pour his tea into. The lads, go mental.

Or, where the rest of us see an ordinary car driving calmly through an otherwise quiet and unremarkable estate, people from Togher see “probable D.S.” (drug squad) watching a local thirteen year old hash dealer who is getting packages posted directly from your man with the chemistry set on Breaking Bad. Pure drama.

There’s Something In the Water Around Mourneabbey
Is there anywhere else in the world where the women of a single parish have such consistently silky footballing skills? It’s hardly a coincidence that they all live in houses whose water is supplied from independent drinking wells. Has there been any study done on the water? There’s clearly something going on. Can the county’s male footballers move in with ye for a few months?

Douglas is Cork’s Chief Capital
Even though it has its fair share of yacht owners, obnoxious 191-C land rovers and more teens attending fee paying secondary schools than any other Cork suburb, Rochestown gets an unfair wrap for being poshie central.
 

So, I like, popped into the village in my teleporter? Yaw, it's like a cor but you, like, travel by the medium of light?

That seems to be because many of the city’s wealthiest, most chiefy chiefs live on the Rochestown Road, much of which is actually in Douglas. In fact, the area is so chiefy that if you recorded the sound in any Douglas pub on a Saturday night and play it backwards it’s the exact same sound as the purr of a Mercedes Benz A-Class engine towing a jet ski.

Blackrock People Have Large Bums
They are the yanks of the east Atlantic and the sultans of the south – they have the biggest wallets in the county and, it seems, the bums to go with them if stereotypes are to be believed. Some say the leafy suburb benefitted most from the old, nearby Ford manufacturing plant while many say it was where Cork’s old, wealthy, merchant families settled. The latter seems more plausible - not only were they importing food into Cork but they were clearly importing it into themselves too at the dinner table. Rather than their business success going to their heads it has clearly gone to their arses.

Even Bandon’s Pigs Are Protestants
Bandon’s pigs discarded their Catholic faith in the mid-16^th century after being fed soup by Cromwell himself during his bloody reign of terror in Ireland. This led to the old saying that “in Bandon even the pigs are protestant”.

The St. Patrick's Day parade in Bandon

Until recently, even cafés and restaurants in the town insisted Catholic customers were quickly re-baptised before being served vegetable soups unless they showed their Orange Order membership cards. The 12^th of July is also a national holiday when the town celebrates its heritage by giving away free rasher sandwiches and bacon soup in exchange for surrendering rosary beads and photographs of Bishop John Buckley.  

Everyone in Cobh Has Twelve Toes
People from Monkstown and Passage West have stood over this rumour for many decades – often as an excuse for the athletic superiority of people from Cobh (for a start it’s, definitely a bit odd that a small town has such a successful League of Ireland club) but more often as to why it’s citizens climb the steep, mountainous hills of the place with such ease. Pop down there on the train in summer and you’ll notice nobody wears sandals or flip-flips. Pure suss, like.
 

Sonia in Cobh with a statue made from Toblerone that bears a vague resemblance of a female athlete of debatable ethnic origin.

Perched on a hill directly opposite ‘Pharmaskiddy’ in the lower harbour, it is possible the effect of emissions on Cobh has actually resulted in some positive body alterations that are being kept quiet. Like, has anyone from outside the town ever actually seen Sonia O’Sullivan in her bare feet?

People From Rathcormac Only Talk About the Tunnel
Sure, God love us. They thought buying a gaf that was advertised as being “just 20 minutes from the Jack Lynch tunnel” was a shrewd move until their first weekday queuing at the end of the M8. Since learning that they have to leave for work before they arrive home the previous day, their lives have been consumed by the torment of tunnel traffic. And everyone else has to listen to it: work colleagues avoid them in the canteen, friends make excuses to avoid going out with them and even telemarketing companies have struck Rathcormac residents off their lists such was the raiméis their teleoperators had to listen to.

Newtownshandrum Doesn’t Exist
It might appear on Google maps but try to drive there and see what happens. This started with the two hurling robots that used to play for Cork called Ben and Jerry O’Connor – suspicions were raised when their pace and skill appeared to be way above the norm and helped Cork win two back-to-back All-Ireland’s. Newtownshandrum doesn’t exist - it’s just people from “West Charleville” trying to be different.