Keane: The Real Manager

6th Nov 2013

Martin O’Neill is the new Republic of Ireland football manager – officially anyway - but we all know it is his assistant Corkman Roy Keane who will be wearing the trousers in that relationship. The real manager from the real capital will be the one calling the shots as the Republic of Ireland aim to qualify for Euro 2016.

Those who will be working with Keane need to get themselves up to speed on how Roy does business. Players, officials, coaches, medical staff, journalists, bus drivers, chefs and dog walkers need to stay onside with the Boy. Here are our top ten tips:

1. Keep Your Phone on Silent
Some smartphone guru needs to come up with an app that can sense (using temperature we might suggest) when Roy Keane is in the same room as you and your phone. This would automatically turn your phone to silent.
 

Nobody wants to be the victim of the infamous ‘Roy Glare’ – a superpower granted to all people from Mayfield who can paralyse victims using only their eyes, silence and a furrowed brow. Turn it off, take out the battery and keep it in a separate pocket lest a ringtone disturb the flow of his words of wisdom.

2. Don’t Disagree With Roy
What the boy says goes.
 

3. Never play a five-aside in a car park
If there’s one thing that winds Roy up it is playing a five-aside before a major match or tournament on a hard pitch designated as a training ground by the FAI. If you walk on to a field with a dodgy surface and get injured whilst training it won’t be just the hair dryer treatment you’ll get but a dose of Roy’s jet engine exhaust.

4. Always have his gear ready
Not if, but when, we arrive at the Euros in 2016 the FAI should have the team’s gear container in at the team’s training ground in France about six months in advance and surrounded by armed security until the arrival of The Boy et al. In fact, being the country’s most inept sporting organisation we would suggest the FAI start working on that project pretty much straight away. “Fail to prepare, prepare to fail” (Psalm 4:12 from Keane’s autobiography). 
 

5. Get Your Story Straight
If you tell Keane that you’re not available for a match because your granny just died then it better be true (for your sake not your granny’s). Keane’s brain doubles as a bullshit-detector so if you’re caught in the headlights don’t make the situation worse by saying stupid like “I mean…not that granny…the other one!”.

6. Show an Interest in Cork
Soften him up with some conversational about his hometown that you gained from a recent “highly enjoyable” visit. Knowing who’s in-form and out of form at Turner’s Cross and dropping in some banter about Jimmy Barry-Murphy’s young hurling prodigies might help plamás him round to liking you.
 

7. If You’re Name is John Delaney…
You have two choices. Resign now before the Boy drags more of the FAI’s shocking incompetence into the public eye and you supersede Seanie Fitzpatrick as Irish public enemy number one or get your tongue and voicebox removed because you’ll probably say something embarrassingly stupid again like asking FIFA to make way for a 33^rd team at the World Cup.
 

Know the gaff that's one too many

8. Never Let a Ball Bounce in the Six Yard Box
For the love of God and the Holy Souls up in Heaven, promise yourself that you’ll never make this desperate mistake. When Thierry Henry’s infamous handball resulted in a crucial goal against the Republic in Paris in November 2009 Roy wasn’t slow to correctly point the finger at Paul McShane and Shay Given for this sin while the FAI cringingly begged for a replay.

If you have to keep a small pistol in the back of your shorts to shoot and burst the ball rather than let it bounce inside the white rectangle then it’ll be worth your while because a conviction for possession of a firearm is far more desirable being sentenced to the firing squad under Corporal Keane. 

9. Know Your History
It’s amazing how the slow revisionism of Saipan-gate, still a sensitive topic with Roy, has allowed some anti-Keane and anti-Cork people believe that Roy “walked out on his country” at the World Cup in 2002. Incredibly and treacherously even some Corkonians still seem to believe this is true.

The facts are thus:  Roy was ordered out by Mick McCarthy after an outburst at a team meeting  -the Cork man wouldn’t apologise for his tirade against McCarthy after the manager accused his captain of faking an injury and was subsequently SENT home. Banished. Dismissed. Ejected. Rejected. Excluded.

Anyone coming within ten miles of Roy Keane should make sure they have their story correct.

10. No Distractions
Young footballers embracing their celebrity status won’t wash with Keane . Don’t let your mug get photographed falling out of some pretentious Dublin nightclub after the one-that’s-ten-too-many into the arms of the Pale’s tabloid photographers and certainly don’t give tacky gossip magazines or trashy red-top tabloids a whiff of your private life either.

Imagine waking up with the worst hangover of your life, late for training, remembering a photographer snapping you in a state of undress atop a car roof and then seeing Keano’s mobile number coming up on your phone. Ouch.