Kerry Complete Martials Arts Training

1st Jun 2010

Conor Counihan should consider issuing hurling helmets to his football squad for this weekend's clash with Kerry in Killarney. Rumours here in the Peoples Republic are that the Kerry squad have been working on a variety of martial arts, street fighting and donkey punching techniques for this year's Munster championship clash with Cork.

With the return of Tadhg Kennelly to Australia, Kerry are said to have been concerned about their players' lack of ability to clobber Cork players properly when they have the ball.

Cork fans will remember the devious Kerryman's full force elbow to the head of Carrigaline's Nicholas Murphy when he secured possession soon after the throw-in during last year's All Ireland final.

Despite sickeningly bludgeoning Murphy from behind with no intention of trying to win the ball Kennelly was disgracefully allowed to stay on the field confirming the GAA's notorious anti-Cork bias. Under the GAA's own rules the offence is a straight red card.

Later in his memoirs the player scandalously admitted targeting the Cork man pouring shame on his county.

Galvin training in the mountains ahead of Sunday's clash with Cork in Fitzgerald Stadium

Rumours have spread across Munster that Paul Galvin has spent the winter receiving secret kung-fu training from Shaolin monks in the mountains of North Kerry. His management are said to be pleased with the Rathmore man's progress and hope that his training in punching livestock will be able to prevent Cork's Noel O'Leary from speeding past him on Sunday.

Corner back Mark Ó Sé is said to have been sent to Pyongyang to receive specialist training from North Korea's Tae Kwon Do grandmasters to deal with Cork's sensational full forward line while the rest of the squad have been asked to spend their Saturday nights in Tralee town centre.

Cameras capture the moment Kennelly smashed Nicholas in the face

Kerry fans believe that the north Kerry town has provided hugely beneficial fighting experience that will be crucial in stopping Cork's beautiful game. In other news Kerry fans seemed to think it was great gas that the clowns up in Dublin's Ordnance Survey office mistakenly had parts of West Cork within the Kerry county bounds as part of a new national map. (read the story here)

Red faced officials rushed to correct the blunder somehow expecting Corkonians to start a revolution over some shoddy office work up in Dublin. The Ordinance Survey office and shouty Kerry folk seemed surprised at the lack of vociferous reaction from the Rebel county.

The reality is nobody in Cork really cares what labels some clumsy clerk in Dublin puts on our county. If the maps were to reflect Cork people's views of their county they would have to mark us in as a separate nation altogether.

That said a major incursion of Kerry will take place this weekend as Cork fans travel to Killarney for the game of the weekend. If it's anything like last year's massacre at Pairc Úi Chaoimh Kerry fans might have a lot more than their physical territory to worry about. Their most precious possession, Sam Maguire, is at serious risk of being captured too.