Know-It-All Social Media Troll Applies For Cork Hurling Manager Job

6th Aug 2019

One of the most important jobs in the world, Cork hurling manager, is currently vacant. One of the county’s many know-it-all social media trolls has been interviewed for the job and we have obtained some of the juiciest bits of the interview script:

What sort of atmosphere would you aim to create in the senior intercounty camp to promote team spirit and a winning mentality?

Easy! Pure misery and fear. Put a strict ban on players’ happiness. No craic, no laughing, no jokes about Mark Ellis’s beard. Ban all these fancy, courtesy cars too. Sure, Christy Ring used to cycle to training. Oh and no girlfriends either. They should be sleeping with their hurleys next to them, not some young hussy who might distract them from their hurling.  

And there’s nothing like a decade of the rosary to bring fellas together and promote team spirit. After the training sessions I’ll concoct they’ll need to do a lot of praying to be sure of getting home alive!  

How do you solve a problem like, Lehane? A gifted hurler, but was unusually quiet this season. How would you get the most out of a player like this?
 
SIMPLEZ. As I said when I lambasted him and the rest of these young fellas on social media, they all need to toughen up. They might be able to hurl but they’ve never wrestled a mad bull in a shed in the middle of winter. I’ll hand them all their gym program which will be two words written on one page: “MAN UP”.

And another thing. Back in the glory days, Cork hurlers always had a few pints at half time especially when it looked like victory was going to be a walk in the Páirc. At least that’s what my auld fella told me that he heard from a friend who was going out with a wan who was friendly with a feen who worked with Christy Ring.

So basically, get a few gats into fellas like Lehane at half time. What does he like? A chardonnay, I suppose? We’ll shove a few pints of stout into him and that’ll have him slicing into Tipp and Kilkenny fellas like a human silage cutter.

What’s your opinion on the long term strategy for Cork hurling?
Rip it up. Who do these people think they are writing things down about hurling and sending them around to people using their computers? Anything on paper related to the team should be delivered by hand on horseback to make sure nobody else sees it.

If you sent anything about Cork hurling using computers these days the Kilkenny lads working in Facebook and Google will have it in Cody’s inbox faster than you can say “last remnants of British culture”.

In the old days the starting 15 was always communicated to the media via semaphore. After training on a Thursday night a team selector would stand outside the Páirc facing Tivoli and wave flags at a single Cork Examiner journalist on the other side. None of this “media relations” rubbish - that’s how it should be done.
  
Cork are down seven points early in the first half of the 2020 Munster final and your star full forward is being double-marked. What message would you deliver to him to help turn things around?

I’ve a load of experience from social media on this one and usually I write this in CAPITAL LETTERS ‘cos it’s SO OBVIOUS yet al these silly hurling managers we’ve had don’t so it: I’d run on to the pitch and up into the players face and start roaring ‘HAVE SOME PRIDE IN THE JERZEEEE!!” and give him a good shake or maybe a belt around the helmet.

Players often forget about the “pride in the jersey” thing when their heads are full of silly tactics and other waffle. Repeat this over and over again and we’ll have Liam McCarthy back in Cork in no time.

Will you be keeping the current team physios and maor uisce’s or will you bring your own?  

C’mere nowadays, as soon as the ref stops play, the field is like a teddy bear picnic with the amount of fellas running around in bibs mollycoddling players, rubbing their legs, giving them this “isotonic water” from fancy bottles! And physios?! If a fella is dying he might need a doctor, not some kind of lewd rub from another man. I’ll take the fizz out of these physios: out the door as soon as I take charge.

And who is this Mayor Ishka? Sounds like some fella in charge of a Japanese city. He’d be told go home to Bejing or Honolulu or wherever he’s from fairly quickly if I get this job.  

I tellya, the only thing these Cork hurlers will get from me is a boot up the backside. Get back up on your feet and have a bit of pride your jersey, boy….your head can be stitched back on after you win an All-Ireland!

Thanks. We’ll be in touch.
Don’t talk to me about ‘touch’. There’s too much emphasis on it these days. All this tippy tappy stuff, for God sake, just belt the ball up into the forwards and…

OK, ok. Thanks again, sir. Here’s a napkin to wipe the foam from your mouth…we’ll be in touch!