Lapland in Recession: Santy Up The Walls

16th Dec 2008

Lapland in Recession: Santy Up The Walls
Danny Elbow

Lapland is in recession. Last year we brought you exclusive details from a meeting held in West Cork between officials from Cork's Supreme Council for de Crissmuss and some senior Elves from Lapland in charge of Santy's route planning and sleigh logistics.

Santa marches an elf to a detention cell for water boarding.

New data obtained by this column from reliable sources at Lapland have revealed startling evidence that Lapland and in particular Santy (aka Santa Claus), the area's main employer, has been hit hard by the global economic downturn.

Since Lapland officials, with the agreement of Santy, increased the price of magic dust - the fuel that powers most vehicles in Santy's jurisdiction - movement has been severely restricted. Elf trade unions are demanding the fuel hike be reversed as Elves and their families are enduring hardship during the cold arctic winter.

"C'mere in the past we could keep our warrens warm all winter", said our diminutive source, "sure like nowadays you'd only have enough magic dust to produce enough heat for a few hours in the evening boy".

TOY FACTORY DELAYS

Don't give a garmin to Santy

Santy's main toy factory has also been hit with long delays and hold-ups since mid-October as Elves have insisted on working-to-rule, refusing to engage in the usual pre-Christmas rush. Santy is said to be calm but hugely disappointed with the performance of his team and has proposed a new benchmarking scheme to get his troops back to work.

If Santy's elves reject his proposals it is believed that Father Christmas may consider bringing in outside help to make sure that good children around the world are sufficiently rewarded for their behaviour on Christmas Eve.

Our sources confirmed that elf unions are likely to endorse the new deal as elves on temporary contracts fear being replaced by cheap elf labour from Eastern Europe. Many poorer elves in Slovakia's upland forests (who mainly make their living from secretly helping human shoemakers) are currently being recruited in the event that Lapland elves reject Santy's deal.

KERRY'S BOLD CHILDREN
Statistics from Christmas Eve 2007 reveal that Santy offloaded over 250 tonnes of presents in County Cork in a lightening three hour stint. Per head of population Santy spent by far the most time in the Rebel County - a true testament to the immaculate behaviour of children on Leeside.

The ever-youthful Mrs.Claus said to be appalled at the carry on of Kerry children influenced by Wazziegate & Langergate

Data shows that Santy spent least time in Limerick and Dublin as messing, failure to do homework and juvenile murder soared.

This year however dishonesty is rife in Kerry as children have been imitating fellow countymen Paul Galvin and his infamous Wazziegate performance (smacking a referee's book from his hand whilst having his name taken) and Kerry's Aidan O'Mahony and his embarrassing fake dive that fooled another referee and got Cork's misfortunate Donnacha O'Connor sent off.

Kerry children have been learning to fake receiving slaps from their parents and teachers in public causing all sorts of mayhem. Santy and Mrs. Claus have been hearing the stories through their fellow red and white contacts in Cork and are understandably appalled.

An extra ten thousand tons of coal have been ordered in place of iPods, bikes and dolls that were due to be offloaded in the Kingdom. These gifts will now be shipped to Cork instead.

BAGS OF COAL

Mitchelstown's children get ready for Santy's arrival

If you're down wesht on Christmas Day watch out for the clouds of black smoke seeping over the border into the Rebel County.

The combined boldness of the children from other counties and the economic downturn will see a sharp rise in the number of coal bags found under Irish Christmas trees this year instead of requested presents.

Santy has committed to a 10-year EU approved plan to reduce the carbon content of these bags - low impact wood chips from the forests of Lapland being the expected replacement.

UGG
Santy has also voiced concerns that children in Mitchelstown may have been using questionably fashionable Ugg boots as socks left at the end of their bed for presents.

Half hoping Daddy Christmas would think the furry boots were socks to be filled to the brim with goodies, Santy refused to dispense any presents into the footwear as they did not comply with Lapland Christmas sock regulation. It is unclear whether Santy objected to their size or to their unpleasant aesthetic exterior.

Santy's ETA at Youghal is 9.30pm on Christmas Eve.

CORK ROUTE & BEDTIMES
The big news is that Santy is due early this year. Children in East Cork should make sure they are in bed before 9.30pm on Christmas Eve as Santy and his reindeer powered magic sleigh is due to cross into Youghal (he'll be bypassing the Desie after its cringing performance against Kilkenny in this year's All Ireland hurling final) just before Gerard Fleming makes his final prediction on a white Christmas after the nine o'clock news. Remember kids, if you're not in bed when Santy arrives he may not deliver your presents.

From there Santy will skirt along the south coast and is likely to hit the city soon after 10pm with Glounthane and Glanmire the first to welcome the big man home to Leeside. West Cork and North Cork will follow shortly afterwards so children in the Fermoy and Mallow area should leave the pubs and stumble home for about 11pm.

Nollaig Shona Díobh!