Legal Highs and Lows

9th Mar 2010

Legal Highs and Lows

Head shops seem to be springing up around Cork faster than mushrooms in the rain and have been scrutinised closely as doctors report a large increase in people suffering mental distress at their clinics and hospitals.

Seeing reports in the media recently one alleged victim immediately presented at A&E citing many of the negative symptoms of legal highs.

The individual reported feeling 'extremely negative' and 'terrifyingly paranoid' about unemployment and losing his home - alleging hallucinations involving bankers arriving at his door threatening legal action unless he paid them money.

He also reported a feeling of helplessness and shock that the entire country was collapsing around him. Other delusions included the fear of Ireland being wound up by Angel Merkel who would arrive at Roches Point floating on the back of Nicholas Sarkozy - his infamous French nose acting as a sail.

Cork's Nirvana on Dancing Demon Spiraling Vortex Street

After an examination by doctors it was reported that the man had not in fact taken any mind altering substances but was suffering from over exposure to the reality of Ireland in 2010.

Unfortunately doctors informed the misfortunate citizen that the government were not making any cure available for his condition and that things may get worse before they get better.

Doctors recommended that he lock himself in a dark room with a DVD of Cork's 2005 victorious All-Ireland campaign until unemployment dips below 13% (now just 6% short of Iraq's jobless figure).

Meanwhile another report received by PROC Intelligence Agents reveal the shocking story of a failed Dublin banker checking himself into a private clinic. The individual claimed he was suffering from mental health issues due to greed and buffoonery committed during the Celtic Tiger. He mysteriously checked out again within a matter of hours.

Consultants at the hospital were already aware of the individual's track record of losing billions by lending money to gormless property developers and issued a diagnosis of 'profoundly stupid' and 'grossly irresponsible' on their patient.

The government have provided an instant cure for all bankers in the form of a medicine called NAMA which allows them to return to their comfortable, secure and wealthy lives unburdened by their catastrophic mistakes. Our research reveals that Cork's large array of head shops do not seem to stock this hugely powerful substance that.

All's not lost however as a number of legal highs that are indisputably safe* are available this weekend for all Corkonians to enjoy. As well as the early arrival of summer, the spectacular blue skies and mesmerising views of our fine city and county from on high there is one potential happy pill available to Corkonians of all ages this Sunday:

For the price of a bag of potentially treacherous pills from a head shop or about 65 equally treacherous shares in Anglo Irish Bank you can instead witness the greatest game on earth as played by the best teams in Ireland.

Kilkenny put 27 points on Cork in the national hurling league last year as they returned from their strike so anything less than this at Pairc Uí Chaoimh surely counts as progress.

We're confident it won't be as head-wrecking for Rebel fans this year, especially with Cork's exciting new full forward Michael Cussen towering above his Kilkenny markers who buckled regularly under pressure from Tipperary last Sunday in Thurles.

'The Elysian with a Stick' scored 1-5 from play against Limerick two weeks ago so this is one perfectly legal high Kilkenny are going to have to swallow if they want to leave Leeside with their mental strength intact.

* Cork hurling matches can occasionally cause acute depression in some fans. Seek advice from a maor-uisce if symptoms persist.