Life on the New Planet for Corkonians

9th Dec 2011

A new Earth-like planet has been spotted disco twirling quietly at the far end of a darkened galaxy illuminated only by a small sun, like a lonely male hairdresser in a quiet club on a Sunday night.

Scientists are in a tizzy because the exciting new lump meets much of the criteria for life and after years spent looking for suitable earth-like candidates it seems they may have found their boy.

600 light years away so only visible to the Corkonian eye

Although it is closer to its own sun than we to ours, it appears to be warm enough for human life because its sun is about 25% cooler – a bit like a nice warm winter fire in the grate as opposed to something involving old couches, pallets and tyres in a Cork suburb on bonna night.

The planet has been named Kepler 22b which sounds like a cheap brand of car tyre. We assume however when the first humans touch down this moniker be changed when they meet the locals and get the guided tour.

This may be tricky however as “Earth 2.0” resides about 600 light years away and with the price of petrol going up this week yet again it may be some time before the first Corkonians make the journey.

We say Corkonians of course because we are used to long journeys such as the annual trip to Tipp for the Munster championship and are without doubt the most robust and suitable brand of human to go on a long voyage of discovery that ends in a 'dark place' like some septic Tipperary fanny. 
 

Many Corkonians have been to the dark depths before like Hayes Hovel in Thurles on match day. So dark.

A big area of research for scientists is how life on the new planet is affected by a shorter year. While Earth takes 365 days to do a full rotation around the sun, this place takes just 290 days. That’s barely ten months.

One of the first questions scientists will be asking is how the GAA season would work on such a tight schedule. Would there be time each year for the backdoor system? Would lucrative replays be ditched for extra-time?

So little time would mean the national league would kick off the week after the All-Ireland final giving county boards around the country trying to plan club championships a headache. NASA will spend millions working that one out.

Another issue to be looked into will be the frequency of Christmas. Shops in town have their decorations up so early now that on Kepler-22b it might not be worth taking them down at all as Christmas will perpetually be ‘only around the corner’.

Down at the beach on a Sunday listening to ‘the match’ you’d be bombarded with adverts for Santy, sleigh bells and snow while you squeeze the last out of the sun tan lotion and decide if your man enough for a swim.

One of the most important factors in determining whether a planet can support life is the existence of water. Without it there simply can be no stout and the notion of a dry planet will turn Corkonians fond of the Murphy’s and Beamish off making the journey into space.

After a long trip from the real Cork to the new Cork the last thing you’d want served up in front of you after a tough inter-galactic trek is some fizzy off license can that has been subjected to the speed of light and erupts all over your new Cork jersey that you had under your space suit.

Local brew is tasty for one of many reasons but one is that it doesn’t have to travel far so it doesn’t get manky. With this in mind the first battalion of Corkonians to arrive on Kepler will be tasked with immediately setting up a brewery to make living there much more sustainable.

The gravitational field of the new planet will be significantly stronger than Earth’s because it is more than twice the size of our current home. The implications for our hurlers and footballers going out there on expedition games will be notable and a large amount of preparation will have to be done in advance.

Donal Óg: well used to the helmet at this stage

Players will require double the strength to slot over a free and taking a shoulder could be twice as painful. Before the next all-‘stars’ trip attaching weights to the likes of Donal Óg Cusack’s legs and arms is the only way to make sure he can still maintain his inch perfect puck outs. Plus, the Cloyne man has already got used to the micro helmet so wearing a sealed astronaut’s one will be no bother to him and the other Rebels.

Kerry players, especially their forwards, will be delighted with the extra ‘pull’ of the new earth. They go to ground easily enough as it is so the new planet will certainly suit their game plan. Hopefully the local referees on Kepler-22 will literally have eyes in the back of their heads to cut out their antics and cute-hooring. A couple of extra arms to keep Galvin off Cadogan woud help too.

The big question of course is if there is a place on Kepler-22b as good as Cork. Until the researchers solve that particular conundrum there’s no point in getting overly excited here at the centre of the universe.