Limerick FAQ for Corkonians

18th Jun 2013

The Peoples Republic of Cork’s Department of Foreign Affairs generally advises Cork citizens against travelling to Limerick except in exceptional circumstances like war or championship matches - or both.

Sunday’s clash against Clare in Limerick qualifies as ‘exceptional circumstance’ as the Rebels will need all the support they can get as Clare consider games in Limerick city to be a home game - the Banner County’s borders are very close to Mordor’s capital – and of course we want revenge for Clare’s narrow league win that relegated us.

Here’s a simple FAQ that all fans should abide by:

Should I wear a chemical suit or gas mask when in Limerick?
While a full body chemical suit is unnecessary it’ll also be uncomfortable to wear in the stand and they’re very hard to get in red. You may find some of the smells in Limerick of great concern so some breathing apparatus or a clothes peg on your nose is recommended. You could try to take a big breath as you leave Charleville and hold it until you get back over the border but when Anthony Nash scores a long ranger it’ll take your breath away.
 

How Do I distinguish people from North Cork and South Limerick?
This can be tricky as there has been some cross-species breeding reported in recent years in an attempt to introduce civilised genes into Limerick people however there is an easy way to distinguish between the two: the North Corkonians will be the ones wearing shoes.
 

Limerick as seen from the Cork border

Do Limerick People in Tracksuits Speak English?
No. Minimise your contact with anyone you think may be from Not Cork especially any males over 14 wearing sleeveless t-shirts , anyone speaking to you from the back of a piebald or from the boot of a car (even if they seem to be appealing for help – this is how business is done up there so you must respect local customs).
 

Clare manager Davy Fitz uses a dialect of Limerickish to communicate

If I see a fight should I report it to Gardaí?
Do these fellas you see scrapping have their tops off and are they surrounded by a large intimidating crowd of men exchanging money and insults? If so, then you don’t need to worry – this is one of the ways Limerick people socialise.
 

Stuck in traffic near the Gaelic Grounds

What are the latest ball hops I should be armed with?
The recent thrashing of the Limerick footballers by Conor Counihan’s army of Rebels by about five hundred points in the championship is a good way to rib any Limerick heads who drift outside their position as one of Ireland’s most unsuccessful sporting counties.

If they pipe up about their recent victory over Tipp in the hurling you are obliged to point out that the stewardship of the great John Allen from The Barrs was central to this. ‘Ah sure, maybe you can polish a turd lads, hupoudah?!’
 

Public transport in Limerick can be unreliable

For Clare fans you can always mention the disparity of Munster hurling titles. Cork have fifty one. Clare barely half a dozen. And the last time the two sides met was in 2007 when Cork won by seven points. Their “footballers” were also carved up by Cork last Sunday.

When Can I Expect to Get There and Back?
Throw-in is at 4pm on Sunday so as Pairc na nGael is in such an horrifically awkward place on the Ennis Road and as Limerick’s match-day traffic plan was written by a child with a crayon on the back of a match programme in 1951 you’ll need to leave sometime Friday morning* to get there on time for the match.

You’ll probably pass Cork football fans who saw the Rebels humiliate Clare last Sunday afternoon around Mallow so you might get home by next Wednesday if you’re lucky.
 

Gardaí monitor all garages in Limerick to stop confused locals trying to fill horses up with petrol

Is there a sneaky way around Charleville?
Yes. Turn right off the N20 before the graveyard (which is on your right) as you come into the town. Take the first left so you’re going parallel to the N20, then the second left and a quick right. You’ll end up coming out at the far end of the town on the east side of road to Limerick. It can be murder to make that right turn north towards Mordor so sometimes it’s better to risk going through the town. The rule we use is that if the traffic is backed up to the graveyard then take that right turn.
 

John Allen is a temporary gift from Cork to Limerick

Where’s a Good Place to Eat out in Limerick?
Never!  Ever! Ever, stop in Limerick City for any reason unless you’re particularly interested in pain or you’re involved in an anthropological study or want your car scrapped free of charge. Stop in Charleville if you’re looking for lunch or dinner – spend your cash in Cork where humanly possible.

Up the Rebels!

* Slight exaggeration. Friday afternoon before 4pm should get you there on time.