Limerick to End in Drink Apocalypse

26th Mar 2010

Limerick To End in Good Friday Apocalypse

Leaders of the Catholic Church have received a message from God that indicates Limerick will probably end on Good Friday.

Certain areas in Limerick are exempt from the Apocalypse as they have already been destroyed by locals.

The Vatican claims that the fire and brimstone display will begin sometime between 3pm and 4pm, the point at which 666 pints are consumed by rugby fans attending the Munster V Leinster match.

Publicans in Ireland's greyest city have wrangled a judicial exemption from the traditional ban on alcohol sales on Good Friday - the day that commemorates the crucifixion of Jesus Christ - and this is believed to have enraged his father, God. Pubs in the Limerick city area will be the only bars in the Republic of Ireland permitted to open their doors.

As a reaction to the special exemption Vatican sources have indicated that the Lord will begin "turning tongues into snakes" as early as 3.30pm and by 5pm most people will have become "serpents who slither on their bellies in filth".

It is not known if the Vatican is currently aware that most Limerick citizens already fit this description.

Friends of Limerick hurling boss Justin McCarthy claim that the Corkman is delighted with the decision of the Supreme Being to end the stand-off between players and management by annihilating Limerick all together.

Sources say that destruction of the Treaty City will be complete by 11.30pm - the time when the exemption expires. Old Testament fans will be acutely aware that Limerick will be the first city to be levelled personally by God since 3,123 B.C. when he breathed fire on Soddom and Gomorrah.

It is believed that the huge amount of flammable alcohol and methane exhaled by drinkers on Good Friday will add to the intensity of flames.