List of Demands for Yes Vote

28th Feb 2012

The EU suits will have felt sick with the announcement that Ireland is to hold another referendum on the so-called ‘Fiscal Compact’.

Now armed with both the nerve-racking vote in one hand and the prospect of Jedward winning the Eurovision in the other we can issue a list of diva like demands to Brussels or we’ll single-handily bring down the currency and possibly end the entire world.

So let’s get working on the wish-list:

1. Delete the Debt
Right, this is the obvious one. At the very least the Anglo Irish Bank debt that Fianna Fáil said we’d pay on their behalf should be terminated so we can get back to the good times tout suite. Forty two inch plazmas and an apartment in Budapest for everyone!

This would also have the soothing affect of muting the likes of Sinn Féin’s Aengus ‘Printer Cartridge’ Ó Snodaigh and economist Constantin ‘Ireland is About to Be Sucked Down a Black Hole’ Gurdgiev. God, somebody please put a large GAA sock in that man’s miserable mouth.

Aengus ‘Printer Cartridge’ Ó Snodaigh who spent
€50,000 of tax payers' money on ink

2. Let us win at least one game in Euro 2012
Come on like. We’re small out and it would give us a boost especially as the summer is likely to have weather barely different from now – three degrees warmer and westerly breezes instead of frostier easterly ones – we need a boost.

It should be ‘arranged’ so that Spain concede a late injury time Stephen Ireland goal (if Europe can forgive us then we can forgive Granny Gate) to send the Boys in Green through to the knockout stages.

If the EU want to sweeten the deal with a guaranteed final appearance in Kiev on July 1^st it may sway even the most hardened euro-sceptics and send the value of the currency climbing.

Hmmm, that went in fairly easy

3. Fill A Few Potholes - PersonallyNo cars are made in this country so every time your axel takes a pounding in one of the county’s ten billion potholes European car manufacturers’ profits grow.

And we don’t want the money to fill them ourselves we actually demand that Sarkozy and Oli Rehn personally come over to stand up on the back of a council truck lobbing tar into potholes all over the county for at least one full working day while Merkel, typically, steers the vehicle.

If your wheels crash into any virtual craters between now and the referendum then you know how to vote.

Give Sarko a shout

4. Free drink
The EU and troika need to ensure that for at least one entire holiday season all European bars, hotels and restaurants award anyone with an Irish passport a round of free drinks upon arrival.

Mentioning you are from Cork usually gets you a few free ones anyway but who wouldn’t say no to ‘one for the road’ if all it takes is showing your travel documents to bar maid already besotted by your enchanting melodious accent.

They're all voting Yes.

5. New CDs for 96FM
The Jedward threat to Europe is very real so the EU needs to do something for the music industry here so that young people aren’t influenced by inane repetitive gammy music.

Driven demented from a playlist that hasn’t changed since the mid-nineties Corkonians would definitely consider voting Yes if the EU would fund some new tuneage for 96FM’s playlist (as long as it’s not that awful euro-pop tripe) which hasn’t changed much since 1996.

The thought of another Phil Collins record would make any man think twice about voting Níl (pun intended).