List of Naughty Cork Children Who Will Be Receiving Coal Released

22nd Dec 2015

It might be all global warming banter these days but Santy hasn’t given up on banging out bags of dirty black coal for naughty children. And to add insult to injury it is reported that Santy is still only delivering smokey coal so recipients in the city will not even be able to legally burn their “present”.

Cork children’s names will appear on one of several lists this year. Most will be on the “Good” list but there are other lists too like “Bold”, “Very Bold” and “Fierce Bold Altogether” that have been made public for the first time in Santy’s history. To see if a bag of coal is coming your way read on!



Beckham Manchester United O’Donovan, Age 11, Youghal
Drawing something on your maths copybook that is too bold to even describe on a page like ours really says something. Your teacher is kind and gentle and she does not look like a six headed dragon. And the other teacher in the drawing was also happily married until you handed the drawing and an untrue allegation to his wife. Home wreckers get nothing but bags of coal. 



Lucifer O’Sullivan, Age 8, Montenotte
When your parents say it is time to go to bed every night you should not react like you have been ordered to do the entire family’s wash-up and drying for a month. Collapsing suddenly in a heap, going rigid and performing a screaming protest dance for half an hour is not what Santy likes to hear about.

Getting up in the middle of the night to wee in your parents’ slippers ensures that the only fun you’ll be having this year will be burning hydrocarbons, little Rebel. Tonight you can go to bed tonight anytime you like because Santy doesn’t care. He won’t be coming.



Beyoncé O’Driscoll-Walsh, Age 9, Churchfield
For consistently putting face cloths into the downstairs bathroom sink and turning on the taps full like the badies in the Home Alone 1 movie. No matter how many times you flood the house a ten year old Macauley Culkin will not appear in your hallway and become your boyfriend and sail away to a magic land with you. Your parents have spent nearly twenty grand on the damage you have caused. The coal you’re getting for Christmas will help dry out the floor boards you delighted in soaking.



Chrysanthemum Verruca Cotter, Age 10, Baltimore
Spitting and hissing at a lame stray cat that was only looking for a rub and half a pint of warm milk on a wild wintery evening is not very nice, Chrysanthemum. That cat was actually a trick robot cat from Lapland and had a small camera attached to its collar and its contents were uploaded to Santy’s server. The elves’ Christmas Crackdown Committee (CCC) reviewed your case but found that it was an unacceptable level of boldness for a ten year old girl and that kicking dogs, throwing stones at birds and terrifying cats means no presents for you this year.



Slithery McSherry, age 17, Glanworth
Writing letters for the last seven years to a very busy Santy pretending that you were ten years old so you could accumulate presents to sell on eBay was always going to get found out in an elf audit. This year an angry Santy is actually going to come into your room (no doubt you’ll probably be out bushing or breaking windows) to log on to your computer and transfer all the money you earned back into his Bank of Lapland account plus interest and penalties which will leave you penniless. Your scheme was not a “business plan”, it was stealing. Stealing from dear old Santy Claus.  

All other children in Cork can expect to receive the presents they asked for BUT only if they have been very good on Christmas Eve, are all in bed before 8.30pm and don’t come downstairs until it is bright outside.

And remember if the cans of Murphy’s and Beamish left out for Santy have been drank but there are no presents at the bottom of the tree it doesn’t necessarily mean the man in red and white has forgotten you. Your dad will know how to “contact” Santa so just let him know your predicament and get straight back into bed.

Cork Air Traffic Control expects Santy to touch down on the rooves of Youghal around 10pm and he will make his way west until he reaches Crookhaven so get to bed early kids!