Lock Up Your Cattle

9th Jun 2010

Lock up your cattle! A draw in Fitzgerald Stadium last Sunday means Kerry are coming to town for the replay in a few days and Corkonians everywhere will be on red and white alert.

Kerry fans rarely travel outside the Kingdom for matches so far less of them are expected to travel to Cork than the number of Rebels that showed up in Killarney last Sunday.

Cooper getting choked

To be fair to the Kingdom's unfaithful following this is not just because they are bad supporters and don't follow their team around the country (their last league game in Tralee attracted three pensioners, four greyhounds, two goats and the team mascot - a pet pygmy shrew called Maurice) but because they inherently fear the outside world.

In the early seventies a number of supporters from Kenmare traveled to Cork for a Munster final and didn't return for four years. When they produced photographs of themselves in graduation gowns at UCC they were ostracised by their communities for getting above themselves and told to go out and bring in the hay for the following ten years.

Feeding Kerry fans
It is not advisable to throw food to Kerry fans as they make their way home from Pairc Úi Chaoimh no matter how sorry you feel for them.

In the past compassionate Cork fans have sacrificed the bags of crusts they save for the Lough's birds to feed sulking Kerry fans who didn't realise they needed money to get chips and burgers from the vans parked outside the stadium.

Kerry people still use the nod 'n' wink economic system where favours, and not money, are exchanged for goods. In the past this has caused ferocious confusion for the staff of chip vans as Kingdom supporters believe they could feed their families by offering services such as civil service "pull", pothole filling or access to politicians in exchange for a few bags of chips.

Public Toilets
Kerry fans should not be approached if seen relieving themselves in what we might describe as unofficial bathrooms i.e. your front garden or public places.

This is natural in the Kerryman's habitat and disturbing them could provoke a tirade of largely indiscernible abuse that culminates in a fit of coughing and small jets of steam parping from their ears.

The Tractor Excuse
Although the motor car has significant advantages over the tractor when beyond the farm gate many Kerry fans insist on driving stinking tractors to Cork city. As well as filling Leeside with the pong of slurry the slow and cumbersome tractors serve as an excuse for Kerry fans to leave the match early 'to be home to milk the cows'.

This avoids the humiliation of having to watch Cork's samba football anytime Kerry visit the Rebel County.

Galvin poses for a photo with a fan

Shaking Hands with Criminals
After a horrific incident in Listowel late last year "supporters" of a man convicted of sexual assault queued to shake his hand before being sentenced to seven years in prison. As if that wasn't bad enough they did it in front of his misfortunate victim and sparked national outrage.

Kerry fans who arrive in Cork early may seek out criminals to shake hands with so if you see them wandering around the Patrick's Hill area looking for Cork Prison make them that aware our clink does not accept visitors on Sundays.

This despicable tradition was largely unknown outside Kerry and as many criminals from Kerry are held in Cork prison some Kingdom supporters may try to shake hands with them. You would understand if the Cork footballers felt uncomfortable at the end of every game...

Galvin
The fiery Kerry wing forward is now barely identifiable as tattoos creep around his body and hopefully he should be fit for the Pairc on Sunday so further studies can be carried out on his body "art". During last weekend's game giggling Cork fans were craning their necks to spot the latest Kerryman's fashion disaster when he came on as sub in the second half.

The majority of his left forearm now appears to sport a tattoo of what appears to be a bee keeper in full dress. This may be some reference to the infamous 'wasp swatting' incident of 2008 when Galvin bashed the referee's book out of his hand whilst being booked. To be fair to the Finuge man he is the only spark left on the Kerry team and if Cork can quench his flame on Sunday the scoreboard could be the source of even more embarrassment than last year's eight point drubbing.

Canty's Asphyxiation
After last week's performance in Killarney there is a rumour that Graham Canty has been asked to stay at least one mile from anyone with asthma or other breathing problems.

He suffocated Kieran Donaghy so badly in Killarney last Sunday that doctors fear that anyone with breathing difficulties that comes within Canty's 'zone' may lose consciousness by simply being near him.

The Kerry management have requested oxygen tanks to be placed on the sidelines for their full forward line this Sunday as the Cork backs are likely to step up their asphyxiation of the Kerry 'stars' once again. Kerry survived the first attack but this weekend they won't get out of the lion's den alive.

Join the Rebel army on the terraces to watch the mauling….

Cork V Kerry - Munster semi-final replay - Sunday 13th June 2010 2pm Pairc Úi Chaoimh