Mainly Draining

31st Oct 2002

Listeners to national radio stations will often hear of the grid lock caused by the Luas works in Dublin. While Dublin experiences the intense frustration of these road works, local authorities and the government are calming people down by highlighting the benefits of what is to come. Less cars in the city, less polution, easier to get around blah blah blah.

On the other hand down south we may feel there is a very different carrot hung in front of us to mute moaning commuters. For about 150 years now familiar blue hoardings have been camped around various spots in the city.† Little kids ask their parents about the time Western road used to be one-way, Grand Parade is down to one lane from three, the South Mall and Parnell Place look like war zones and there is so much activity on Washington Street that's reasonable for a tourist to think that it's an underground subway that's being built and not a sewer.

The hold ups on Gran Parade Continue

But unlike the future prospect of light rail in Dublin, Cork has something different to look forward to. Cork has something coming that will be the main feature of our celebrations of our status as European City of Culture in 2005. Something we can flaunt to all our European and National neighbours. While they talk light-rail in Dublin, we in the PeoplesRepublic must talk shit and plenty of it.

Seems straight forward.
 

All the chaos you experience, the inconvienience, the scrap you missed at Burgerland and the all the chicken suppers that went cold on you, you will nod your head safe in the knowledge that one day you will have the enormous benefit of being able to sit on your toilet bowl in full confidence that when you flush your bodily deposits down the loo they won't come back up to nod you on the head. You heard it: we dump they pump.

We can only assume from the length of time it is taking to install these new pipes that this sewer will have features that we can only dream of. It is rumoured that City and County Hall will be making a joint statement soon to reveal some of the new features the drainage scheme will exhibit. PRC got a sneak lamp at a press release that we found in a wheelie bin out the back of the City Hall.

1.Waste feeback. Your body excess will be analysed by Main Drainage Staff according to weight, colour and bang. An unusually horrendous bang (causing loss of consiousness to M.D. staff) from your deposits may indicate you have severe bowl trouble and an e-mail will be sent to your toilet bowl terminal immediately with an appointment for A&E in the regional.

Females will be given feedback on their current weight. An illumination panel with ding-dong sounds which can be attached on top of the cistern will highlight one of four coloured panels will indicate the individual's weight situation. You Are Fat, You Are Colossal, You Are A Disgrace, Keep Dumping. The statistics will be stored in an online database which can be monitored by interested Cork males. City Hall are currently talking to PRC representitive Osama Bin Murphy about housing the database on PRC.

2. We like to think it happens only to babies: swallowing little lego bricks or chess pieces that turn up in the nappy a few hours later. A filtering system in Mahon will provide a unique function to fish out lost items that the good citizens of Cork may have digested in error.
A spokesfeen for the Irish Company with the Filtering Contract