Makin' The Grade

30th Oct 2002

MAKIN' THE GRADE

Welcome to another first in Cork. We have opened The PeoplesRepublicOfCork Share Index from today to begin advising all novice financial traders across the county how to make as much grade as possible so you can get a gaf on the South Mall. For those of you who think you have no experience in financial investment consider this.....

The Kebab Analogy
This analogy is used in business schools all around the world. Imagine you are in a taxi rank in Mac Curtin St. This is the stock market. Imagine a feen (with old doll in tow) arriving into the rank having just come out of the Tandoori with a hot chicken kebab with no lettuce. He may have purchased the kebabs at a crucuial time, e.g. the Tandoori may now be closed, so the kebabs are worth more.
(Incidently if his old doll says that she's hungry and he does not sell the kebabs this is referred to as an OPPRESIVE market. If he ignores her it is called an OPEN market.)

Anyway you might decide to offer the feen six euros for the kebab. The kebab is the STOCK. This is more than that he bought them for (EUR 4.85) so he will make a profit. This is straightforward business.

The South Mall: mainly for posh feens.

The Gamble -
You may need a diploma or just be posh to understand this next bit but give it a go:

However if another feen comes in and says he saw the feen who is selling the chicken kebab glug into it before he left the Tandoori then this DEVALUES the stock. As one glug in a food item devalues it by 50% you may only offer him Â¨3 instead.

However you may find that this feen has now offered the feen with the kebab Â¨3 for it. This was the same feen who told you there was a glug in the Kebab. The question for you is now whether there really is a blob of yer man's saliva in the chicken kebab or not and whether this boy is pulling a fast one so he can buy the stock at a lower price or whether the feen is genuine and doesn't mind the fact that there'll be a heavy greener lodged between the blocks of chicken inside the bread. This is referred to by posh people as "the business gamble".

Now I know what you're thinking, "this is a tough world" and you're right. The only way to combat this is to take a risk of your own. The first risk recommended is a scrap inside the taxi rank between you and the feen with the kebab (the stock holder). It suffices to say a Bishopstown-Mangle would do enough to overpower any man in this situation. (Cork fighting moves will be a regular feature here soon). The aim being that you overpower him to obtain his stock free of charge. This occurs in critical situations when demand exceeds supply or suppliers deliberately refuse to meet demands. If, in spite of the digs, you manage to get some of the kebab into your beak then you have got a SHARE. This is what it's all about.

Business Evaluation
When sitting either in a cell in the Bridewell or on a life support machine in the Regional after your "business session" it important to analyse your progress that day by weighing up gains and losses. If you wake up in the Regional and there are several clear colour tubes coming out of your body then it is important to compare this against the satisfaction of consuming the chicken kebab. If the pleasure of the kebab outweighs the serious physical damage done to your body then this is called a PROFIT if it doesn't then it's called a LOSS.

From now on when you visit PRC observe the various stock prices go up and down by watching the scrolling text. This will reveal up-to-the-minute information on all Cork stocks. Share prices are about as stable as the Shaky Bridge and will rock to-and-fro constantly. We advocate and encourage panic and headless chicken buying and selling when you hear of any rumours, which will be posted here regularly. If you hear of a rumour you better let the rest of us know and tell the editor. editor@peoplesrepublicofcork.com