Mallow People Evaporating in Heat

9th Jul 2013

Several people from Mallow and Charleville may have evaporated in the current heat wave and at least one taxi driver working in the city centre also reached boiling point yesterday.

Those from the north of our beautiful county are well known to have much lower melting points than Corkonians from further south and we are currently issuing a warning to them that they should stay indoors until the heatwave has passed.

As temperatures exceed the melting point of people from Mallow and Charleville, in the far south of our blistering hot county other problems have arisen: many people in Kinsale are involuntarily speaking Spanish.

'Amigos, I can-ah smell-ah the
vigilia of a Kinsale chica'

The intense heat and sudden Mediterranean feel to the town which is historically linked with the Iberian Peninsula, has led investigators to believe that locals’ genes contain more Spanish DNA than was previously thought – a result of the amount of shagging done when the Spanish Armada arrived at the start of the 17^th century.

“Instead of fighting the English like they were supposed to do”, says bar stool historian Billy T. Bracken, “these lads were obviously set upon by enthusiastic local girls and the resulting offspring have carried the genes. The amount of riding, done by the salty Spanish soldiers clearly put them at a disadvantage when taking on the Protestant English forces. They were quite literally, flahed out. ”.

The Spaniard in Kinsale: Spanish lads still come here hoping to
find sample the local vigilia

Researchers are suggesting the phenomenon in Cork people is triggered by temperatures over twenty-five degrees and may be a new form of Tourette's syndrome – a condition that forces people to vocalise random words that they have no control over – however, in this case, effected people in Kinsale are communicating with each other in Spanish – a language most of them thought they had no knowledge of.

Mairéad from Mallow: moments before she evaporated

Villagers in neighbouring Ballinspittle and Belgooly have filed complaints about the noise now coming from Kinsale as Spanish is spoken at several times the volume of English and most of the sound is generated by forcing words through the nasal passage as passengers on city buses full of Spanish students will be acutely aware.

Yeah but Ray Houghton's goal at Euro '88 wouldn't have been half as enjoyable
if the Brits had been defeated at Kinsale though.

“This Kinsale crowd are driving us mad with their Spanish”, says Bobby Brennan, a business owner in Riverstick, “they’re coming up here speaking to us in Spanish with apologetic faces but sure we can’t understand anything they’re saying. I just give them tequila and talk dirty.”

Rumours also suggest that Kinsale Arts Week organisers are trying to produce a Spanish version of their brochure but communicating with printers in the city has been described as “extremadamente difícil” and may take some time.