Man Admits Lidl Bargain Tools Addiction

17th Aug 2015

A Cork man has admitted that he may be addicted to buying enormous amounts of tools and other DIY equipment from the bargain bins of low-cost German supermarkets.

Speaking to newly launched magazine “Put a Cork In It” aimed at the lucrative addict demographic (which is only available on ten year direct debit subscription and comes with a free pack of cigarettes, a whisky shot and a 15 euro bookie voucher) Martin said he has been struggling with buying excessive amounts of bargains in the supermarkets for over ten years.
 

“Look, I have a problem but I’m definitely going to try to get around to doing something with all those tools soon.”, said Martin Fitzsimons from Bweeng, Co. Cork.

The addiction came to a head recently when his wife noticed a planning application in the front garden for a large two storey shed to house more tools.

His wife says that Martin began to become very enthusiastic about doing the family’s weekly shop in late 2001.  

“He’d come home from a hard day’s work yet as soon as I mentioned doing the shopping he would jump up and insist on doing it instead”, sobbed Imelda, wiping the tears from her face with a value pack of 500,000 Lidl own-brand tissues.

Martin admits that as well as doing the weekly shop he was also loading the car up with all the special offer DIY stuff he could find.  

“A set of 25 five wrenches for €19?! Who could possibly pass that?”, he said.

Martin has accumulated a staggering amount of ‘man-toys’ since the German multiple first opened its doors in Ireland in 2000. Among his collection are 220 chisels, 2650 Allen keys, 830 drill bits, nine drills, eight work benches, six jigsaws, four rotating terror saws and 27 pairs of overalls – including one in “morto purple” as he puts it himself.  

He also has a large collection of unknown objects some of which include “a big loud ting with two handles” and “a heavy metal machine job that you plug in that comes with paper that you can’t write on”.

The problem of excessive tool buying is believed to be widespread. Surveys show that many Irish men have been hoarding vast amounts of tools from German multiples in their attics, sheds, car boots and under their beds in the hope of using them one day.

Analysts here at PROC headquarters have come up with some staggering figures. Using a special software called ‘Sky Plucker’ which uses the well-known ‘reverse-side envelope’ modelling technique they believe that there may be up to €30 million worth of unused tools and other DIY equipment stashed away in homes around Cork alone.     

According to social scientists, part of the problem with men buying tools they don’t need appears to come from the emasculation of the male workforce.

“Look to be honest, I have worked at a desk in EMC all my life so haven’t a bulls notion what to do with most of these tools but it just made me feel so manly walking out of Lidl with these yokes under my arm and my chest out like pigeon. Other customers probably thought I knew stuff about DIY and fixing things. ”

For many men with so-called ‘soft hands’ careers, entering an actual builders supply store is a daunting prospect with straight-talking no-nonsense Cork accents on every isle and behind the tills.

“I was desperately fearful of going into a shop dedicated to keeping this stuff as I might be asked questions I didn’t understand. Going to the supermarket to load up on them was far less intimidating”, he said.  

“Ten years ago I went into a builders’ supplies place in Togher when I was hoping to demolish a wall in my garden.”, he said, “I was told to have a skip outside for the job so when I came back, half knackered, with a skipping rope they had some laugh off me. I can’t, for the life of me, understand why.”