Military Invasion of Cork

11th Oct 2002

Military Invasion of Cork City

In the light of recent developments in other cities around the world, we at the PeoplesRepublicofCork.com have taken upon ourselves to assess not only the threat of a military invasion of the Beautiful City but to undertake extensive research into how you as a citizen should react when such an invasion occurs.

We've got naval attacks covered but are we vunerable to an air and land assault ?

For example , have you ever considered the reality of a two hundred Hi-ace vans loaded with posh slash-hook-wielding Limerick gentlemen rolled into Grand Parade under the cover of darkness on a dark winter's evening ? Would you jump like a bitch into the nearest open Eircom manhole or would you take off your coat and challenge one of them to a round of scissors, paper, stone. The Corkman and woman must wake up to the reality of an invasion and it's possible consequences.

We spoke to Osama Bin Murphy, a real old fellah who used to be in the army about the possibility of an invasion of the City of Cork." The fact that the Northside overlooks the Southside would make shelling of the city from there much easier assuming that the attack came from the north of the city. Enemy tanks and heavy artillery would be used to batter any pockets of resistance below them and civilians moving around anywhere in the City would be at high risk to snipers. On the other hand a military attack from the South which would more than likely involve a Navy element would be quite easy to defend. Cork Harbour is quite complex and it is easy to lose track of where you are going. However any military commander would know that the Northside would be an easier place to start an offensive against Cork City.

We have no tanks in the city, no artillery or anti-aircraft guns , would you recommend to the City that we buy some and forget the main drainage scheme ?Instead of using service charges for collecting rubbish , the City Manager should be looking towards purchasing heavy anti-aircraft guns, ground artillery and tanks. Youths with experience in driving noisy lowered vehicles would be ideal candidates as tank drivers. The artillery could be mounted on the top of all multi-storey car parks and trolley collectors could be trained in their use, carefully picking enemy targets pouring into the city via Patrick's Hill.

Marksmen can be trained in Quasar at the LeisurePlex at virtually no cost, war is not too different. There is an endless supply of glass bottles in the city and the will to throw them after 2am would put a riot in Palestine to shame. Most military offensives take place under the cover of darkness however this would be a mistake in the case of Cork as most Citizens having spent a number of hours in public houses would be more willing to participate in the defence of the City.

That's all very interesting however, we must ask ourselves the question : would an invasion necessarily be a bad thing ? How motivated would the average young soldier be fighting against a Dutch Army for example ? Knowing well that if the City fell under their control , Hillbillys & BugerKing would immediately be adding Hash Cakes to their menus and Donnelly's bakery on Shandon Street would surely be inundated with CVs from every single person who's been to Amsterdam.The image of female cannabis plants growing freely in Bishop Lucy Park would fill every soldier's mind. We could even leave up the red Christmas decorations on Patrick Street for the red-light district !

Or what about the Italians, our Catholic cousins ? Imagine the ol' dolls ! Gorgeous, well dressed sallow skinned, leggy Italian girls filling every night club, gagging for some Rebel County/Italian one-on-one. Even your mam would be happy because the Pope would be over more often and pizza is far nicer than German schnitzels.

So calm down, don't jump into the main drainage scheme the minute you hear "the enemy" is already in Fermoy. Chill out boys, it's probably going to be a great thing and besides they'll be ages with the traffic in Fermoy anyway. Invasions can be good. They can be fun, especially if no one's bothered about putting up any resistance. Cead Mile Failte !