Mobbed

16th Dec 2005

Mobbed
Danny Elbow

Whether you are an obsessive devotee to the Church of the Celtic Tiger or a reluctant left-wing annual shopper "the crowds" will get on your nerves this Christmas. We hate "the crowds" as if they were some intruders from another planet but we're part of them ourselves whether we like it or not.

Be it our hesitation at the ATM, trying to remember credit card PIN number in the supermarket or engaging in a complicated item exchange process with an already over worked cashier in a supermarket - we are part of the chaos whether we like it or not.

An anti-capitalist rally threatens to burn down "temples of commercialism" - starting with old doll's shops on Pana

Chaos Creators
While most of us will want to get in and out of town as quickly as possible there are some who are oblivious to all the hysteria - not only that but they are oblivious to everything else as well.

You can identify these people as they emerge on to a mobbed street from a shop door. They exit the building with a wide semi-circular trajectory with their head transfixed on the contents of the window paying absolutely no heed to who they might be on a collision course with.

Their lethargic pace and disruptive course causes unwelcome pile-ups of speed-walking shoppers trying not to knock them over. These unwitting chaos creators are also the type that will stop to answer their mobile and drop all their bags in the middle of the busiest shopping isles in the most hectic department stores.

Sado-Masochists & Wide Loads
There's a time when people who avoid taxis like the plague should get them and there's no better time to make a concession than whilst Christmas shopping. Normally used to dragging the odd bag or two this shopper insists on taking up three seats of a bus with her shopping instead of getting a cab.

Much to the frustration of fellow shoppers she insists on carrying about twelve bags with both hands transforming her into a 3mph wide load congesting any narrow street or aisle.

The acute pressure of so many plastic bags turns her fingers white from blood loss and the pain of the strain on her wrists is only made bearable by the fact that her burden contains many of the pleasantries she has looked forward to buying herself all year.

Despite knowing that she would spend at least five hours marching around town she has refused to compromise on wearing stilettos which may snap under pressure at any minute. Every year she still puts as much make-up on as possible even though the sweat from her brow has created tracts of foundation muck down her face'