New Cork Embassy in Oz

29th May 2012

A new Cork embassy has been opened in Australia. Corkonian Glyn Daunt and his wife Helen have transformed their Irish pub and guest house in Bathhurst, New South Wales into a haven for citizens from the People’s Republic of Cork.

The embassy will act as a sanctuary for Corkonians who will be given a rapturous welcome upon arrival as well as providing back up and consular support for any Rebel requiring it.

Jack Duggan's pub festooned with People's Republic flags

For example, Corkonians who find themselves in a heated debate with people from inferior counties about the greatest county in Ireland can request back up from the People’s Republic of Cork Embassy at any point whereby the Rebel will be issued with helpful facts and put-downs about those from places outside Cork.

The newly established Cork zone is located about 200 miles west of Sydney – the city that was named after the famous Sydney Park just off Wellington Road where people like RTE’s John Creedon have mad posh gafs overlooking the real Opera House that the Aussies tried to mimic – in Jack Duggan’s pub right in the centre of Bathurst.

THERAPY
The embassy will provide therapy for Corkonians who suffer from a condition caused by prolonged separation from the Rebel County called “being in a fierce state altogether”. Cases of the ailment increase around GAA championship time and Ambassador Daunt is expecting an influx on June 10^th for the Cork and Kerry game down the Pairc.

In fairness, you'd miss the grey skies if you were away too long

EMBASSY ENFORCEMENT ORDERS
Consular assistance can also be provided in a non-voluntary manner. Friends who visit Corkonians in Australia who have been found guilty of diluting their Cork accents in favour of the Aussie lilt or who have started drinking non-Barry’s Tea can be committed to care by loved ones.

Recipients of a “PROC Embassy Enforcement Order” can spend a number of days in intensive therapy including a gruelling detox programme where they are only fed Barry’s Tea, Murphy’s stout and Tanora. If results are positive then the embassy promises not to mention your case to anyone back home.

GETTING CARRIED AWAY WITH YOURSELF IN OZ?
Scientists at the PROC working closely with pubs on Shandon Street (and a bit too closely at times to be honest) have established a recommended daily allowance (RDA) for each Cork produced beverage. Failure to reach the RDA can result in the much feared illness known as ‘Getting Carried Away With Yourself’. Symptoms include showboating or talking tripe and Corkonians suspected of these actions can be summoned to Bathhurst at very short notice.

FOR PUCK SAKE
The embassy can also provide puck-around services at Jack Duggan’s Bar where Corkonians can meet others willing to engage in hurling puck-arounds. So, if your overhead batting skills have taken a dip in quality because you’ve been losing the run of yourself in New South Wales then the People’s Republic of Cork Embassy in Bathurst will issue you a set of training routines to be strictly adhered to.

When other Fancy Dans you’ve got to know ‘out foreign’ are playing volleyball and having barbeques on the beach you will isolate yourself in a far corner of the strand to brush up on your hurling skills.

Doing your own Mícheál Ó Muircheartaigh-style running commentary as you imagine yourself playing corner forward against Tipp in the Munster semi-final is highly recommended.

FIVE STEP CHANCER TEST
To find out if your buddy or brother out in Oz has lost the run of himself below in Oz look out for these key tail tale signs when you’re on the skype or the facebook:

1.  Seems to have replaced the word ‘boy’ with ‘mate’.

2. Says things like ‘fully sick’ instead of ‘pure daycint’ or ‘the job’.

3. His tone goes up at the end of a sentence like he’s  asking a question (this is extremely annoying so you may issue a Daunt Square Dawk if this encounter is face-to-face).

4. Asks questions like “what’s the name of the big long street in Cork where Roches Stores used to be?” even though he’s only been away two months.

5. Fails to start exciting anecdotes with ‘Oh c’mere til I tell-ya, you’ll never believe this wan…’.

If telling them to cop on to themselves doesn’t work you can phone Ambassador Daunt’s residence in Bathurst and make a compulsory booking for your buddy who will be issued with an enforcement order to attend the embassy for an “interview”.

Failure to comply can result in ‘mortification’ upon return to Cork. Who would want such torture?

Lamp:
http://www.jackduggans.com.au

Thanks to Helen for all the pics!