O'Connor Twins could be Robots

12th Sep 2005

In the aftermath of the victorious homecoming celebrations on Leeside it is still unclear whether the GAA will decide to investigate the possibility that Jerry and Ben O’Connor are not human beings. After the immaculate super human performance of hurling’s most famous brothers in the All Ireland final questions are being raised by Galweigans about the standard of hurling in Cork and whether any human could actually achieve the level of skill that won Cork a two in a row in Croke Park yesterday.

Galwegians discussing their county's 5 point mauling for the last few days have been clinging to the hope that they would wake up some morning this week to hear news about a replay announced on the 8am news:

“....Cork may be stripped of their All Ireland crown for using two android clones in yesterday’s All Ireland final – the revelations came as Jerry O’Connor began to emit sparks and smoke while being doused in champagne during post match celebrations at the Burlington Hotel in Dublin. The only comment the player would give to the media afterwards was Unknown Error – please insert CD – retry, ignore or cancel”.

We decided to look at the evidence and see what arguments could be put forward to back up claims that the O’Connor twins are robots. Afterall, could humans be THAT good?

So good they must be robots

Ten Reasons the O’Connors Twins could Be Robots
 

1. “Man” of the Match Ben scored a massive 0-19 before Cork took on Galway yesterday and notched up another seven points and a sensational goal in the All Ireland final making him Cork’s top scorer.

Ben hit two massive points from the sideline at crucial moments in both the final and in the semi final against Clare. Both points were scored with almost no visual reference to the goal posts and were hit from 60 yards plus. Jerry hits his points so high that the sliotar has ice on it when it lands. Super human powers?

2. Have you ever seen the O’Connors drink water on camera or roll around in pain after a big collision? The only occasion you see “the doctor” attending them is to reset their RAM module to prevent their system processor overloading during a game.

3. Jerry is a member of An Garda Siochana. Where else would a robot with such blistering pace and accuracy be handy? Law enforcement of course. Robocop is on the loose in North Cork.

4. Ben is a hurley maker. With the popularity of the game surging in Cork again demand for good sticks is surpassing supply. GAA heads would baulk at the idea of a hurley being made by a machine so having a machine that looks like a human make hurleys is a great compromise.

Ben monitors play with his lasers

5. Paying for a complete new face design on an android is VERY expensive. Coming up with the idea of calling the pair “identical twins” is a handy way to cover up a second identical cloned android arriving on the scene.

6. Ben and Jerry only 'came good' in the last few years. No sports journalist or GAA statistician can ever remember them before the age of 22.

Rumours are flying around Galway this morning that Ben and Jerry’s birth certificates have “gone missing” from the Registrar of Births office.

7. When the going got tough in the Clare game both twins removed their helmets to promote cooling and prevent overheating in their main processor.

8. Does Newtownshandrum – the O’Connor’s alleged home - actually exist? Have you ever been there? We hear so little about it one must surely question its existence. It is portrayed in the media as being a tiny village in North Cork - an area that is conveniently large so that people in Mitchelstown believe it to be in the west of the county near Millstreet and people in Millstreet believe it to be near Mitchelstown. Corkonians and other hurling fans believe it is much too small to be included on any map - reducing suspicion about its existence.

9. The twins’ creators almost gave the game away in 2004 when then captain Ben had to go up on the Hogan Stand and accept the Liam McCarthy Cup. Programmers did not install the Gaelige function before the game as the installation CD went missing the week before the final and Ben had to make do with phonetic pronunciation of Irish words from a sheet provided by a Cork mentor. It didn't go too well to say the least and nearly blew their cover.

10. Did you see Ben O’Connor chasing Clare danger man Colin Lynch in the dying minutes of the semi final? Surely no human being could play a game of that intensity and pursue a man for 80 yards trying whilst to hook him with such relentless energy in injury time. Ben eventually did enough to force Lynch out to the sideline, made him miss his shot and prevented an equaliser for Clare. Pundits talk of the O'Connors always looking like "they have more in the tank". Hmmmm….

No human could be THAT good!