Pana Report - February 2003

10th Mar 2003

After the reaction to the last report on what's been happening to good ol' Pana, we have been receiving so many demands for information on what's going on the third longest street in the world (after Oliver Plunkett Street and Washington Street) that we decided it was time to produce another report to keep all you exiles in the know.

  Most of the drama is happening around the north end where the work started all those months back and still lives today. The impressive level of chaos achieved by the main drainage scheme was blown out of the sewer water by the Patrick Street Renewal Works which created about 400 temporary car parking spaces on the street every day.   Patrick's Street is now almost a vision of the future in a pedestrian state as the works moved across the road from the Merchant's Quay side to the Eason side. Emergency legislation has outlawed southbound traffic with all north bound traffic directed towards the Coal Quay from Grand Parade.  This of course is causing intense frustration among human rights groups such as The Cork Boy Racer Association who are now denied their right to park, rev and play loud trance music outside McDonald's on Daunt Square. In a statement they said a peaceful protest would take place this Saturday on the Oliver Plunkett-South Mall loop with all protestors winding down their windows so passers by are subjected to the cheesy trance vocals and not just the thundering bass lines.    'We regret inflicting this on the people of Cork but we have to make a point' said Yokey Looney who has just taken out a 5 figure mortgage with AIB to fund his car insurance. 'I got a brand new squishy seat cover as well so I moved out of the aul lade's gaff to move into Daunt's Square in the Punto with a few of the boys - now I've nowhere to go'.

  A resolution looks unlikely as the pace of the renewal works so far indicates that northbound Civics and Puntos will not feature on Patrick's Street for some years yet.         There are some positives to report however, novice jaywalkers overwhelmed by the opportunity to practice techniques have poured into Patrick's Street. Many Corkonians can be seen to be walking in a zig-zag fashion on the street itself embracing the freedom that the renewal works has brought with it. Old lades can be seen dragging shopping bags of crubeens breathing fresh air deeply as they head for the relocated bus stops outside Pennys.

The roar of puntos, trucks and green machines are almost inaudible leaving nothing but the beautiful sound of birds and George Michael blarring from Gentleman's Quarters.   Over the mickey twiddler's tune I cocked an ear to something coming from from just down the lane beside Easons :the amplified sound of a tenor belting out The Banks Of My Own Lovely Lee. Just a posh busker with a headset mic? Naw biy, as he finishes the tune it sounds like a thousand people roaring in appreciation. Maybe Bin Murphy forgot to send me a text about a revolution? I balled over for a lamp to see what was going on.  The School of Music were down at the Opera House giving Irish leader Bertie Ahern loads of it while on a visit to the republic. Fears that only the educated will feel the effects of the City of Culture have been thrown out as now it looks like our musically fond brethern will have to remain receiving lectures in a bombed out gank infested city centre hotel instead of the fictional building which was to be in place for 2005.