People from Fermoy Asked to Stay Indoors In Case They Evaporate

13th May 2016

Residents of the north Cork town of Fermoy have been asked to remain indoors from 10am until 5pm during heatwaves, extended periods of sunshine and temperatures that might make one think going topless off due to fears that they might evaporate.

People from the Fermoy gene pool are said to have a unique form of glaringly white skin pigment which is blinding to many – particularly motorists – while research has shown that locals actually reflect sunlight back into the ozone layer at such a rate that it is said to account for around 10% of global warming which is the main reason behind keeping them inside during sustained periods of sunshine.
 

Rush hour in Fermoy this morning

Ireland rugby prop forward Mike Ross who is from nearby Ballyhooly is partially effected by the condition and is well known to perform better in wet and dull weather. He is rarely seen without his trademark black scrum cap that minimises the amount of sunlight falling on his head. 

Even one of the town’s biggest employers is ice cream factory “Silver Pail” – the company’s name is said to be a play on the infamous ‘pale’ colour of locals.

Furthermore, such has been the amount of time the town has spent submerged by the river Blackwater over the last few centuries that there is also strong evidence that many Fermoyonians have developed the ability to breathe underwater.
 

Aoife Mary Ní Thobín from Fermoy went out for a walk in 20 degree celsius. She had to be brought home in a bucket.

Under a new EU flood-relief scheme, citizens are entitled to apply for a grant which allows them to have their lungs surgically replaced with gills making it easier to get around the town during floods. 

Those who successfully applied for the grant in the past now find themselves in a difficult position as new flood defences now ensure Fermoy is unlikely to flood until a few more continent sized icebergs crash into the sea off Greenland sending more rain down on the Blackwater Valley.
 

In 2014 Pearse McCarthy from Fermoy evaporated into a cloud and was rained down on Snowdonia in Wales. He missed a crucial championship match for his club.

Many of Fermoy’s amphibians who have undergone the expensive transformation must now carry around tanks of water to breathe through as well as having to be regularly doused in water like helpless dolphins on a beach.

Fermoy is well known as the town that is ‘all to one side’– the phrase often used to describe the gaits of drunks all over the county (‘he was all to one side, like the town of Fermoy’).

The tag comes from the unusual development of the town which, before the mid-20^th century, took place almost exclusively on one side of the river rather than equally on both like most riverside settlements.

Nowadays it has expanded to the north bank but the results of citizens living for hundreds of years on the north-facing south bank are that they are rarely, if ever, exposed to sunshine - so much so that it is believed exposure to direct sunlight or temperatures above 17 degrees could be fatal or at the very least cause them to become over-excited and delirious.

Councillors have denied that the order is as a result of pressure from Fáilte Ireland who say that tourists are put off by the pasty white skin of locals who are considered an eyesore by the group.

Of additional concern are the tattoos of the town’s inhabitants which are said to be so bad that they often prevent visitors from stopping off in Fermoy. 

“We had a long sunny day there last month and a bunch of fellas from up the town who were out in it all day went up to Cork that evening and got tattoos of Enda Kenny as a dolphin on their necks”, said local businessman Bobby Murphy-Boyle.

Blow-ins who were not brought up in Fermoy seem to be unaffected as long as their genealogy is not connected to the town.

“Given how he’s a hit with the women and has a fine tan on him we thought we’d bring Mick Flatley to live near the town in 2001 to try to dilute the gene pool but he didn’t produce the goods”, said Martina Burke-Roche a former town councillor, “we thought he’d have his lovely brown chest out around the town to counteract the glare from super-white locals but he was always well wrapped up.”
 
Flatley put his Castlehyde mansion up for sale late last year and is said to be writing a new show about his fifteen years living in Fermoy called Shiverdance.