People’s Republic of Donetsk - Open Letter

13th May 2014

An open letter to the self-proclaimed president of the People’s Republic of Donetsk.

Mr. Ponomaryov, a chara,

On behalf of the People’s Republic of Cork we wish to congratulate your region on its recent bauld moves for independence. We wholeheartedly understand your reluctance to be ruled by the dark forces in Kiev – we get grief like that from Dublin and Frankfurt all the time and to be totally honest with you we’ve often found chicken kievs to have way too much garlic in them anyway.  

Come here to me, ye are some divils for putting on that referendum! Who would have thought “90%” (winking smiley face) of your fellow citizens would have voted for independence when only a few months ago a Donetsk man was the President of the whole of Ukraine. I’d say twas desperate when he ran off to Russia though, ye must have been up the walls with worry.
 

Self-proclaimed President of the P.R.O.D. Vyachislav Ponomaryov answering questions with PJ Coogan at a press conference in Carrigaline earlier

Of course you will have heard of Cork and we assume you were probably glued to the All-Ireland finals last September - marvelling at the fastest game in the world. I’ll tell you something for nothing though: when it comes to making a bolt for independence you’re clearly bit of a Conor Lehane yourself and I’m sure he was a big influence on your campaign. No better boy to skip past some menacing looking marker and head straight for goal (and by the way, Paudie Sull is back after the cruciate as well in case there was any interruption to the supply of the Echo to Donetsk recently).

And sure God help us: the poor Ukrainian army, would you credit them? For the love of Jesus – the Kerry hurlers would have done a better job. They couldn’t shoot fish at the counter in Pat O’Connell’s not to mind in a barrell. Who was training them? David Moyes? Not that ye are complaining.
 

Kiev's forces have been split open

I’d say ye had some craic in the tanks ye got hold of too (you might let us know if they are diesel or petrol out of interest. Judging by the fumes out the back of them we saw on telly I’d say they’d be struggling to pass the NCT here but there’s nothing like a fifty in the ashtray or machine gun magazine to sort that out – something I’d say you’d be well up on in your part of the world I’d say…hupoudat!!). Of late we’ve been keeping an eye on the pink pages every Tuesday for armoured personnel carriers and tanks but nothing to date.

Small independent-minded nations like us here in Cork will take great heart from your actions in leading your new country to independence…. although I suppose if you sign up with Vlad now it might be a case of out of the frying pan and into the bona but sure away with’ye – you’ll get better gas prices than the langers above in Kiev anyway!   

When the ruaile buaile has died down a bit around the town we’d appreciate a few pointers when it comes to the auld revolutia-rooney.
 

The Irish bar in Donetsk - ideal location for a Cork embassy

You know the way your hurling coach might spot that your hooking needs to be a bit more wristy etc? We’d love a quiet word-in-the-ear from an experienced head like yourself as to how we can fine tune our moves for independence.

Organising a referendum to split from the capital is of great interest to us – we could learn a lot from how you pulled it off. It doesn’t seem to matter much that anyone who turned up with as much as a video rental card from 1998 was allowed to vote. Between ourselves twas about as legitimate as a Kilkenny tackle on All-Ireland final day but sure when you’ve bought the referee who cares, ha?! More power to ye.
 

You'd have to admire Donetsk's taste in flags...

We have our own local elections here at the end of the month and the system is rigged so that all the “national” parties get the majority of seats on councils so they do whatever the junta in Dublin orders. They are local people but they have been brain washed by their political masters and are obsessed with the ‘national interest’. Your thoughts please – including violent ones.

Right, down to business. Would ye be interested in setting up an embassy here in Cork? You could start with a tat shop. There’s a load of vacant properties in town that would be ideal to get the word out about your new state and rents are still good value. Ye could bang out Donetsk hats, mugs, scarves, keyrings and all that –  get a load of Jobsbridge beours to run it.
 

Pre-filled ballot papers printed for Cork referendum

If there are any buildings you feel would benefit from the presence of a PROC embassy in Donetsk please don’t hesitate to contact us and we will dispatch our diplomatic mission immediately. Pubs would be of particular interest as we’d bring a compulsory keg of Murphy’s - a tap and cooler would be handy. 
 

Please find enclosed a copy of a ballot paper we were thinking of issuing when we eventually get time to organise a referendum on independence here in Cork. The papers are pre-filled to ‘convenience’ voters. Your feedback would be appreciated.

Le gach dea-ghuí,
(Name with editor - who will not flinch under torture)
Self-Proclaimed Benign Dictator of the People’s Republic of Cork.