Post Keane Counselling

19th Feb 2003

Post Roy Keane Counselling Sessions and Symptoms
Its been a strange week or so for Cork soccer fans, one victory and one loss. The boys in green did the business against the Scots and the boy Roy retires from international football. Shock waves ripped through Cork on the announcement, even visible on the face of the usually impartial Bill O'Herlihy after the Scottish match as he pleaded with Dunphy and Giles to come down off their professional high horses, hoping that, as a clearly traumatised Corkman, they'd show him some sympathy. Not to be.

Philosophers, politicians, plumbers and poets were locked in debate all week about what Roy should or should not have done. Regardless of which side was taken the disappointment turned to physical torment for many as those posh enough to have Sky Sports watched the images of Ireland walking out in Hampden Park last Wednesday night without Roy.

Worried of course that Cork was splitting down the centre, long time People's Republic Of Cork affiliated counsellor John Paul Valentino took to the streets to assess the situation on the ground for himself and diagnosed many bleary eyed Corkonians with Post Keane Stress Disorder (PKSD).

As a result of the extent and wildly varying intensity of the condition, from mildly insane to absolutely cuckoo, a series of measures to prevent the spread of the depression gripping Cork have to be made public.

After the Saipan controversy all bridges and open quays were being patrolled by lifeguards for fear of a lemming style reaction from the Cork public. This time there have been calls for the boys at the dam in Inniscarra to bring about a temporary but complete draining of the Lee until PKSD sufferers have received sufficient counselling.

The Cork Samaritans have been provided with extra cover including the dispatching of extra translators from Youghal, Mitchelstown and Rochestown, drafted in to help those manning the phones with local accents and dialects in their bid to bring calm and normality back to the Rebel County.

PKSD Symptoms
Doctors have asked anyone with a family member showing any of the following symptoms to contact their local GP immediately.

1. Rocking back and forth, clutching an Irish jersey with Keane on it quietly singing 'De Banks'.
2. Complaints of sore knees and hips
3. Fits of coughing, wheezing, anytime the name 'Alex Ferguson' is mentioned
4. Roaring 'Come ye Boys in green' at a Man Utd. Vs. Arsenal game on TV
5. Convincing oneself that Scholes, Beckham and Barthez are from Sligo, Ballina and Limerick .
6. Hallucinations featuring Roy Keane and the Irish Squad happily skipping like lambs through a summer meadow on a training session.
7. Waking up every morning screaming 'stuff your prawn sandwiches!'
8. Ritual burning images of Mick McCarthy and photographic equipment.
9. Random acts of violence, simulating the 'Alfie Haaland' technique.
10. Hanging out in bars with new friends who only say 'woof'.


Compo Compo Compo
Naturally Cork being Cork - several law firms based on the only street paved with gold in Cork, South Mall, have received 'more than a few enquiries' about the chance of getting a bit of compo for the stress they have experienced as a result of the continuing Roy Keane/FAI saga. Although pot hole diving is till considered the steadiest source of income for many Corkonians most law firms who advise on immoral incomes believe a tribunal of enquiry must be set-up and those responsible must be bought to justice. The FAI is believed to be in negotiations with City Hall about a once-off- hands-off payment to be divided among Cork's law firms. Following the trend of other Irish tribunals any change left over will be divided among those Corkonians most affected by the crisis.

Beckham Gets The Boot
Quite evidently Roy would be far safer in the caring arms of Brian Kerr and Mick 'the Sponge' Byrne than in the Manchester United dressing room if last Saturday's incident gives us any clue to what goes on inside the changing rooms of Old Trafford. We all know that knickers wearing girly Beckham wouldn't put up much of a fight against anyone and he got away with just two stitches. But what if the fiery Scot turns on the Mayfield man next? They say boxers reach their prime in their early thirties and although Roy hasn't done any formal boxing training since he left Cork - they would surely put each other out of service permanently!

You couldn't imagine little Brian Kerr as the aggressive type - he seems more of a Ronnie Drew like character in a smoky Dublin bar bent over a pint of the black stuff reminiscing about the rare aul times, the days of Home Farm and Nelson's Pillar.

He wouldn't try to hurt Roy....would he?