PRC General Proposes International Invasion

20th Mar 2003

PRC Proposes Invasion
General Pugdgy Red Gee - Director of International Affairs with special duties to stay wide for hassle.

As a fledgling nation, it is important that the PRC imposes its identity on the world stage. Having failed to do this by winning (or even qualifying for) the cricket world cup - despite the presence in the squad of Poc Fada legend Ger Cunningham and several of the Deanrock Estates most accomplished rounders players - it has been decided that the best way to take our place among the great nations of the world (Jamaica, Lanzarote, that daycent gaf in Australia where Smokey's cousin was saying you could get a chicken burger the size of your face for $3), is to throw our full weight behind the war on the 'axis of evil'(Iraq, Iran, Libya, Syria, North Korea, Cuba).

Obviously the Brits and the Yanks have had first call on who to attack, so Iraq's out of the question. This is a shame for all the members of the PRC militia who were hoping to stay with their sister's friend who's a nurse in Abu Dhabi (and is missing the ol' Clonakilty White Pudding, if you know what I mean). So that's Iraq out. The leadership has also decided to stay out of Syria, Iran and Lybia, as the brits have sent so many men out to the middle east, it'll be almost as bad as Temple Bar on a Saturday night.

While we may have missed out on Arbia's duty-free shopping, cheap gold and dodgy Rolexes, the leadership advises against despair. In typical style, the high command, under Bin Murphy, has managed to make delicious, nourishing crubeens out of apparently unnatractive pigs feet (so to speak). So it is with great excitemnet that the People's Republic of Cork declares war on Cuba!

At this point, the peaceniks may be asking; Why Cuba? why now? The answers are manifold and each one illustrates the need to invade Cuba better than the last.

For a start, it's not on the flightpath between America and Iraq. Given the US miltary's track record on embarassing mistakes, what are the odds that Flight Lieutant Buck Flugelburg (no doub't known as 'Wolfman or something to his squadron) will drop his load as soon as he gets to the first country on the map starting with 'IR'. And when you turn right upon leaving US airspace, what's the first place that fits that description? You can bet your apple pie-fattened ass it's that big lump of bog the PRC finds itself unfortunately attached to. Therefore it's probably a good idea to get the hell off it, go han tapaidh ar fad.

Secondly, Cuba is in the Caribbean. Which means it's near Jamaica. Jamaica has free hash. Which is Daycent.

Thirdly, it's where Bacardi Breezers come from. Now some feens might see this in itself as cause for violent action, but pause for a moment and consider the lot of the Cuban feen. What must they go through?

Imagine a country that only has luridly coloured ole doll drinks; where the quiet of the Caribbean night is pierced every night by the shrill cries of a nation of women hepped up on sugar, E numbers and premium strength alcohol. Imagine, put simply, 'Catwalk Island'.

Millions of sound, dead-on Cuban feens are forced to suffer this, without even the consolation of a pint of Beamish, a pack of Major, or even the last outlet for the despairing, shouting at Pat Spillane on the Sunday Game (banned by the alcopop-wielding authorities).
It is in solidarity with these hapless men, as a humanitarian act, that the militia of the PRC, under the leadership of Bin Murphy, must attack Cuba. For all those wishing to sign up and save Cuba's manhood (so to speak) forms are available from Surehot, Plug'd and Hillbillies. The first buses bound for Cuba leave from outside the library, Saturday at 1.00 (thereby allowing troops to stock up on chicken from Hillbillies and Johnny Blues, Rizla and TK Red Lemonade from Spar).