Presidential Hopefuls

9th Aug 2011

With silly-season rumours flying around about perspective presidential candidates we thought it would be apt for us to start a few of our own in the hope of livening up a now hopelessly dull field of bland candidates.

Frank Murphy

With his imminent but not yet confirmed retirement from his 275 years as head of the Cork County Board perhaps the most influential man in GAA would consider putting his name on the Presidential ballot paper when he steps down from duties at Pairc Úi Chaoimh. Long term thorn-in-his-side Donal Óg Cusack is still under-35 and thus not eligible for election which might convince the Blackrock man further to take part.

Sarky and Merkel won't know what hit them when Frankie takes out the rule book

Mr. Murphy’s intimate knowledge of rule books is legendary and he could surely pull one of his legendary coups for Ireland by examining the exact text of the nation’s bailout deal with the EU/IMF.

Spotting that the agreement was accidentally dated 1910 instead of 2010 on one page of the lengthy document signed by Brian Cowen, this would instantly make the government in power at that time, i.e. Britain, liable for Ireland’s mountainous bank debt instead of us. Technically. Genius!   

Weak point: May insist that voting in polling stations being held “in camera” like County Board meetings.

Mary Burke

We’ve had two Mary’s in the Áras since 1990 so the endearing Crystal Swing keyboard specialist would surely be a shoe-in after she shot to fame with her band’s internet hit ‘She Drinks Tequila’. Statistically speaking in the last twenty one years only people by the name of “Mary” have been President so Burkie’s chances are clearly colossally high.

Another Mary?

We are nominating the Lisgoold ivory twinkler and pretty blond songwriter as Ireland’s first M.I.L.E (Mother I’d Like to Elect) and her now acclaimed appearance on Ellen DeGeneres to give Ireland’s tourist industry a much needed kick up the cead míle fáilte is a clear sign of her ability to plamás foreigners - the primary task of Uachtarán na hEireann. 

Weak point: There could be some juicy scandal if we ever find out who exactly was drinking tequila and “talking dirty in Spanish”?

Ian Paisley

We’ve had the English national anthem at Croke Park and the Queen’s visit to Rebel Cork so who says we’re not ready for another big change of attitude to our near neighbours?

The thought of it would turn many militant Catholic Republicans in their graves as Paisley is a distilled triple-malt Protestant with knobs on – if there was a TV show called ‘Pimp My Protestant’ Big Ian would be unbeatable but the reconciliation between the so-called two communities on the island would be extraordinary if Paisley moved his lambeg drum into the Phoenix Park.

Moving in to the Áras was always going to be tough for Ian

After his performance as part of the Chuckle Brothers duo with Martin McGuinness and frequent visits to the south for smiley press-ops and giddy backslapping with the Irish government perhaps it is now time for a major statement by a secular south to the Orange population of Norn Iron.

Plus Paisley’s lifelong suspicion of the ‘Dublin Government’ would strike a chord with Corkonians who now number half a million and wield considerable electoral influence should he decide to play that card.

Weak point: may want to change Ireland’s national holiday from 17^th of March to the infamous 12^th of July which could be a hard sell to voters fond of the traditional spring bank holiday.  

George Hook

A man is undoubtedly passionate about his country when a sporting victory makes him cry and George has been known to crank out the tears every now and then. His cranky but amusing diatribes against Munster and Ireland rugby teams over the years has made the man a parody of himself but when those teams won major tournaments the Pres boy’s love of his fellow countrymen was laid bare with watery eyes and lumpy throat on national TV – a crucial trait of any President.

Of late ‘Hooky’ occasionally looks like he’s nodding off when discussing rugby on RTE which could be a worry when foreign dignitaries come to visit lest he miss important elements of their speeches. But with his now infamous Sky plus box he can watch their speeches afterwards if he misses anything when grabbing a Presidential forty winks.

Weak point: To complete the package for voters Hooky may need to replace his wife with his TV sidekick Brent Pope. The first “lady” elect’s rugby credentials would go down well in the Antipodes and allow Ireland to keep shamefully shipping our unemployed there.

Bertie Ahern

Even after the economy had left the fast lane and flopped across the hard shoulder, into the dyke, over the ditch and into a big soggy field with a leaking septic tank, the Drumcondra Don still, incredibly, believed he was popular enough to win the Presidency. Why did anyone say anything to dissuade him?

While most of us have had a chance to annihilate Fianna Fáil for their sins Ahern had jumped ship long before the general election so only Cowen took it on the chin. We would all relish the chance to let Bertie know what we think of him in a very personal election like this.

Weak points: being best buds with bankers, bailouts, bags of cash, mysterious bank accounts, “the boom times can only get boomier”, dig outs, the Moriarty tribunal, preposterous personal pay increases, that tent in Galway, pumping up the public sector, being a Dubliner, tax clearance certificates. We could go on. 

Neil Prendeville 
The miraculous recovery from you-know-what has seen listeners flock back to 96FM so with the Cork public now firmly in his hand the only place for Niall to continue is run of luck is to head for the Phoenix Park. 

Weak point: The inevitable amount of air travel.