Priests to Seek Real Jobs

3rd Mar 2010

Priests to Seek Real Jobs

PROC can exclusively reveal that Catholic priests may be forced to work real jobs by their bishops in order to pay the costs of sex abuse scandals in the Church.

Aftershock, my child?

The Ferns diocese which constitutes most of Wexford has revealed that it requires an extra €60,000 per year for the next twenty years to cover the cost of the fallout from decades of abuse meted out to children at the hands of paedophile priests. Appeals to The Vatican for a bailout resulted in a concise Papal letter calling on bishops and clergy to "fuck off". The Holy letter was signed "P".

Mass goers are now being asked to foot the bill but the reaction has been vociferously negative from parishioners. Realising that three and a half priests working forty hours a week on the minimum wage would cover the costs the hierarchy is now looking for priests to get out of bed early and put in a solid day's work from Monday to Friday instead of "mainly chilling out".

Counselling will be made available for priests who have never worked real-world jobs as they struggle to come to terms with genuine work.

"Priests will find this difficult", said our source, "most of them are used to sitting in dark boxes all day waiting around for confessions, banging out communion to retirement home residents and drinking tea. This will be a divine kick up the hole for most of them".

The Bakers Association of Ireland have ruled out employing priests due to past difficulties including transubstantiation.

"We found many priests spent too much time whispering and blessing the product", said chief executive John Dough," and most of them refused to use knead it or use rolling pins in case they were hurting Jesus's body."

The Vintners Group have also highlighted issues with collared bar staff.

"As well as being overly dramatic when pouring wine", said a semi-reliable source, "when asked to refill vending machines several were found in possession of small needles that were used to put pin pricks in condoms".

A spokesman for a headshop in Cork said they would welcome priests as employees as they are "already greatly experienced in profound halluncinations" which he said would "fit right in".