PROC Summer Camp

18th Aug 2009

PROC Summer Camp

Smallies practicing their skills and toughening up at PROC summer camp.

Summer Camps for kids are more popular than they ever were despite the recession. With long, often wet, summer days parents don't want to see their beloveds in a motionless trance in front of television screens, wiis and playstations.

In order to bolster the Corkonian identity and to ensure that the next generation are as passionate about their Rebel heritage as ourselves we propose new training camps to indoctrinate the young ones from an early age.

We would probably have to give it a nice propaganda sounding name like "The Peoples Republic of Cork Summer Camp for the Advancement, Mental Programming and Babysitting of Smallies". Here's are a few of the subjects you should expect to see on the PROC prospectus….

Elocution Lessons
Taking Seán Beecher's famous book 'Cork Slang' as the course material students will be taught and examined in all aspects of Cork vocabulary and will undergo an aural test at the end of each class which will consist of trying to understand of people discussing haircuts outside the church in Blackpool.

Nicholas Carey lofts a bowl in the recent King of the Roads semi-final. More of this.

Any Dublin-isms like using the expression "deadly" in place of "daycint" will be vigorously stamped out. Any child caught making their sentences sound like questions (see the 'comedy' series Friends for examples) will be punished severely.

Street Skills
Essential street survival techniques will be taught to all pupils. Training exercises such as Runaway Knock (banging on a neighbours door and doing a legger) have been known to improve speed, coordination and tenacity in young footballers and hurlers. Several of the Cork football panel are believed to have excelled at this in their youth according to sources in…Carrigaline (sorry Nicholas).

Any Corkonian wishing to engage with the city centre must be sufficiently trained in jaywalking - a beautiful art form when performed correctly. Weaving in and out of lanes of traffic is akin to penetrating the Kerry defence - just run into gaps so fast that they won't even notice you've passed.

Sports
Along with the compulsory hurling/camogie and football training from Cork legends, smallies will learn the art of road bowling and experience first hand action on the roads of Whitechurch and Carrig na bhFear.

A smallie calls around to see Seán, Shelly, Mogs and Dickie.

This great art unique to Antrim and Cork will continue indefinitely and lucky smallies might even get the chance to drive a bowl down a hill with Bishop Buckley - who we is hoping the sport will be included on the clár for the Olympics in London.

History
As well as learning about famous Cork martyrs such as Terrence McSweeney, Tomás MacCurtain and Michael Collins students will also receive fiery lectures on the untruthful Dublin version of historic events such as Saipan 2002 and Semplegate 2007. These will be erased from children's memories and the real stories installed in their brains instead.

Although Roy Keane's legacy will be thoroughly covered elsewhere and large portraits of the Mayfield man will hang from most walls, smallies will be trained to pick apart pro-FAI arguments with ease highlighting a range of the shambolic organisation's gaffes and bungles.


Geography
Ever ask a Dubliner in Dublin for directions? The ones that don't scowl and run away are simply clueless about their own city. Not so in Cork where most locals have a detailed knowledge of city streets, bus routes and suburban roadways.

Plenty of scope for Cork flags during arts and crafts.

Smallies will be set challenges to navigate the quickest passages across the city. For example, what's the quickest way to get from Sunday's Well up to 'the exchange' in Churchfield? Do you take Strawberry Hill where there's only one traffic light in your way or is it quicker to go up Shandona, down Gerald Griffin Street and up by Neptune?

These skills will be extremely useful for confused tourists as all children will be virtual GPS's well able to point them in the direction of the City Gaol, Blarney Castle or Shandon.

Arts and Crafts
This will involve making flags and banners to support the Cork footballers and hurlers or CCFC. Only red and white paint and crayons will be provided as no other colours will be necessary - thereby reducing costs for parents significantly too.

Environmental Studies
This module will see students learning how to light safe bonnas, examining the quality of each green leafy shade of the elms on the Mardyke, learning the names of each swan in the Lough by heart, feeding the mullet off Patrick's Bridge and learning techniques to remove trolleys from the river.

Roy was sent home, kids. He didn't walk out. Don't forget it.

Cutting grass is an important part of any young Corkonians and students will be expected to be able to competently manage petrol lawnmowers and manual clippers alike.

Youngsters will also be given a deep understanding of the deliberate inadequacies of the Croke Park pitch caretakers with particularly reference to the Long Grass Final of 2007 when Cork's three-in-a-row was prevented by Kilkenny's hurlers - their fellow county man Nicky Brennan was suspiciously President of the GAA at the time.

Music
As they arrive in the door on their way home from summer camp parents can expect their siblings to launch into anthems such The Banks of My Own Lovely Lee, The Boys of Fair Hill (without the bold verses) and Skibbereen. Lucky students will also have an opportunity to become proficient in the city's number one instrument: the Shandon Bells.

Smallies' minds will also be opened up to the back catalogues of Rory Gallagher, The Frank and Walters, Sultans of Ping, Nine Wazzies from Báinne and of course, Joe Mac and The Dixies.