PROCettes Guide to Cork's Public Toilets

9th Jun 2009

PROCettes Sneaky Toilet Tour
Wanda O'Sullivan

Ladies of the People's Republic may find themselves shopping on Patrick St. trying to buoy up the economy with their Saturday afternoon purchases and unable to perform their economic duties due to an uncomfortably pressurised bladder. This definitive guide to Cork's best bathrooms is one for all PROCettes (or their feens) to keep folded in their wallets for emergency bathroom situations.

Put the Brown into Thomas

Brown Thomas
Location: Second Floor behind the Shoe Department

Brown Thomas toilets are inconveniently located up an escalator on the second floor behind the shoe department. Only seasoned Brown Thomas shoppers would be able to sniff them out - a fact that hasn't escaped the management who probably don't want half of Panna traipsing through the shop searching for a loo instead of a Louis Vuitton.

These are the crème de la crème of public toilets - always have paper, soap and hand towels and as a result, a queue. However the toilets' underhand location next to the shoe collection mean you run the risk of seeing an outrageously expensive pair of shoes that will unleash the suppressed covetous shopper in you. Be warned!

Imperial pleasure

Debenhams/Roches Stores
Location: Up the escalators behind the ladies shoes on the right hand side.

The original public bathroom - we've all been using this one since we were smallies. Long before the era of Celtic Tigers,

Cork mams brought their smallies to Roche's Café for a glass of fizzy orange and a big creamy cake. And all that fizzy orange had to go somewhere and for the ladies of Cork that always, and usually still does, mean a big queue.

These toilets are still popular but if you can hold on for a couple of minutes they offer one of the most underrated people watching experiences in Cork. The whole spectrum of Cork femininity is represented from scarved shuffling old ladies with shopping carts to Ugg booted, orange-faced over make-upped teenagers fiddling with glittering mobile phones. This is an old reliable watering hole with some entertaining extras.

Imperial: We love the cabinet with today's Zamminer! Michael Collins took his last slash here.

Imperial Hotel
Location: Ground Floor, pass the reception on right hand side. Toilets at end of corridor on left hand side.

These are the best kept secret toilets in Cork. Located somewhat off the main shopping area of Patrick Street but if you can totter down to South Mall it'll be worth it because these lovely loos are always empty and have ample room and mirrors for make up retouches and changing clothes/shoes.

If you really need a rest you could climb up the stairs to the first floor old school ladies where the toilets are separate to the powder room area. This bathroom is so big that a little nap in the carpeted corner to power up for even more shopping would be quite feasible.

Burger King
Location: Ground Floor to the left of the counter.


Many of Cork's thirty and twenty-something ladies may have used these toilets as teenagers to get changed and dolled up in but it seems they haven't got a refit in all that time.

While they might be a bit plain the 'beauty' of these toilets is that they are plonked in the middle of Patrick Street and the restaurant's employees don't seem to mind if you brazenly walk in and out without purchasing from the extensive fast food menu.

The late opening hours especially on weekends also ensure you're rarely confronted with the terrifying prospect of a 'closed' sign and a bladder at breaking point.

Reward yourself with a tinkle at the ladies in TK Maxx. Not on the marble though. Please.

TK Maxx
Location: Basement Floor at bottom of stairs/lift.

The economic downturn has few benefits but one concrete example is the bathroom in the new Cornmarket Shopping Centre which has been fitted out with opulent marble. Who knows, if there were other commercial tenants apart from TK Maxx then these might be busy toilets - but they're not. You nearly always have them to yourself!

Occasionally though your quiet shopping time-out moment may be interrupted. But if you can tolerate screaming Emo teenage girls hysterically raving about ambiguous text messages from boys or their latest piercings and psychedelic hair dye then you'll find these toilets a happy haven - just off Paul Street.

Grand Parade Public Toilet
Location: Outside the library and dotted along the concrete plaza.

The wily salesman who offloaded this impressive looking piece of technology to Cork City Council as they revamped Grand Parade did a good job. We suspect that those responsible for signing off on the lavatory's purchase were given closely guarded personal tutorials in its workings. If only the general public could get the same!

Loo-di-crous: put your coin in first unless you need a shower.

The crucial thing to note is that these toilets are self-cleaning. In other words, it activates a sprinkler system that drenches anything within a few feet of the bowl with high powered jets of water and soap when it detects a person leaving its interior. But only after a pause. And that's the fatal flaw.

Don't make the mistake of not putting your dosh into the slot before you pee - otherwise the supposedly futuristic loo doesn't realise you're inside and whoosh! You're soaking from head to toe….as well as red faced and humiliated. The only upside being that your bladder is more relaxed.

Our advice is don't fall victim to the cruel machination of the automated public toilet and instead embrace the established thrones above.