PROCopoly 2007: Monopoly for Cork

8th Mar 2007

With rain saturating Leeside this week there’s no better way to brighten up those dull evenings than pulling out our new version of Monopoly fully updated for 2007. Long gone are reasonable prices for houses, actually having to spend time in jail and collecting 200 quid when you pass GO….

PAWNS AND PIECES
Instead of the cute little iron and metallic shoe, players will be given the choice of a spanking new 07-C Sports Utility Vehicle (making property on narrow streets like Barracka and Blarnia bad buys), a double decker bus, a bike featuring Happy Honka Honka Man and for those less interested in the property boom – there’ll also be the Good News Caravan.

STARTING KITTY
Traditionally in monopoly every player is handed a starting kitty to get his or her property purchasing off the ground. In the updated version however all first time buyers will be subjected to stamp duty and be handed a hefty 110% mortgage to get their game of monopoly under way.

Buy Cork Airport from the evil Dublin Airport Authority empire

Even though players that might feel secure having purchased their very first property a CHANCE card could raise interest rates at the European Central Bank and if repayments get too weighty a player may have to hand their lovely new property over to the banker.

GO TO JAIL – but only if they can fit you in!
Although on the surface the rules of this version of monopoly might suggest landing on the “Go to Jail” square is a serious blow to your chances of winning the game, there’s no need to drop your chips and cheese just yet.

Unless you have committed a serious crime like murder, arson or breaking down on the Kinsale Road Roundabout there’s a very good chance you’ll get off with a suspended sentence, a good behaviour bond or a token fine of €200 to compensate the victim of the crime. Even if your offence is big enough to remand you in custody, the chances are Minister McDowell won’t have a place for you, so you get off scot free!

SSIAs
Cork’s Monopoly players will require at least an honour in junior cert accounting as the complication of introducing SSIA’s into the game greatly increases the number of rules and regulations.

Players who have been lagging behind for the first half hour of the game might suddenly find themselves buying up property left, right and centre as they receive a cash bonanza from the bank having put away a small sum after every turn.

BUYING PROPERTY
God be with the days when you could purchase a house on a Monopoly board for a few hundred orange notes. After an hour you could be managing a whole terrace of houses on Crumlin Road and have a lucrative hotel on Shrewsbury, ready to dish out hefty fines to those unlucky enough to land on your turf. On Monopoly 2007 users will have to come up with 250 grand to buy the simplest dwelling: a third floor one-bed apartment with a snag list as long as the Straight Road.

As well as recognisable names like Western Road and South Mall property tycoons will also land on squares such as Krakow, Wroclaw and Ljubljana where they can buy up everything in sight double quick before the natives find out Paddy is in town.

The only risk for players is drawing a community chest card that might see you trying to recover from a night out in the local Irish bar instead of going straight from the airport to the local English speaking auctioneer. Miss a turn!

GOLD MINES
The most lucrative spaces on the Monopoly board will be those such as “Horgan’s Quay” and the “Munster Show Grounds” where you can construct an 18, 24 or 36 storey sky scraper for “mixed development”.

The luck of the dice may see you fall “victim” to a CPO (Compulsory Purchase Order) whereby you will spend the rest of your game in court arguing that the property was worth many times what you actually paid for it twenty minutes earlier.

In an attempt to reflect real life, services like cinemas, theatres, community centres, public transport, open green spaces and clubs will not need to be added to players’ properties until the population of their streets or towns exceeds 250,000 people (for reference see Carrigaline).

SERVICE SQUARES
It was often the light bulb and tap symbols that struck most fear into the hearts of monopoly players catching players for hundreds of pounds without the owner shouldering the burden of having to build houses and hotels there.

The new broadband square on the board will however, only subject trespassers to fines if broadband is actually available in their area. Instead of just adding apartments, houses and hotels to their property, players will also be able to add broadband to their squares paying a hefty fee to the owner of the service. Because of “on-going technical issues” the service will not be installed for at least 21 working days (the equivalent of twenty one turns).

It would be wrong not to include Irish Rail on the board such is their “popularity” among the general public. However, union officials cannot guarantee that the square will be available for every game even though those who purchase the game in advance and were due to have the game delivered to them at a certain time would expect it.

This will be due to unofficial strike action which may happen sporadically through out the game as dictated by the CHANCE cards.

Other CHANCE cards that will hinder your progress could see players’ pieces being clamped or towed away, being billed by the banker for not putting the correct stickers on recycling bags and having properties suddenly turned into bland shopping centres.