PROC's Guide to Golf

22nd Jul 2019

If you’ve been enjoying watching the Shane Lowry celebrations this week after he won the British Open but are bamboozled by golf lingo, fear not. The most important thing here is that an Irishman won a British thing. And sure, who doesn’t love an auld olé olé we-bate-the-Brits bandwagon?

If you’ve felt a bit clueless about golf though don’t worry. We too have watched this peculiar game and also wondered why players don’t rise the ball before they strike it or try to hook their opponents as they attempt a 300 yard drive.  We’ve studied the game very carefully this week and have produced this quick guide to understanding golf to save you the bother:

Club House
When golfers finish a round they are permitted to enter a special night club located near the 18^th green which has a DJ playing house music - hence the name ‘club house’. This is usually a private area where members can chew on golf balls, talk complete nonsense, hug and massage each other and occasionally hold hands while discussing the pros and cons of their performance on the course. 

Bogey
A type of dance performed in the club at the end of a game.

Tee Off
This competitive event marks the beginning of a game of golf and is usually accompanied by a scone with jam and cream or, in posher clubs, a croissant. Each player gets two tea bags, a cup and some milk and the golfer that makes the best tea gets to tee off first – hence the name. 

 

"Bag of yokes?"

Wedges
These important golf aids are kept in the golf bag and used to help golfers raise their cholesterol. Players will come up with all manner of psychological tools to improve their play including the carrot-on-a-stick reward of a fist full of luke-warm potato wedges if they hit a good shot. This is why many excellent golfers have large bellies.

Handicap
A man’s ability to sneak away from his family to play golf is measured by his ‘handicap’. Those with young families and lots of responsibilities that somehow manage to spend as much time as possible on their favourite golf course have the lowest handicaps while those who can only squeeze in one game a month have the highest.

Par
Short for ‘paranoia’, this term indicates the level to which a golfer believes that mysterious external forces are influencing his or her play. For example, ‘four over par’ means that a player is four levels above what is considered the minimum criteria to be in need of medical attention or forced admittance to a psychiatric hospital – waving your fist, frothing at the mouth, throwing a tantrum etc is all part of the deep frustration of playing golf and may last several days.

Caddy
Local young fella you whom you give a few bob to listen to you bang on and on about what your wife’s brother got in the will when their father passed away ten years ago. You were sure yourself and herself were going to get the stud farm and his G.P. surgery that you could have converted into flats and rented out for a tidy sum to some misfortunate immigrants. That would have allowed you to play a lot more golf and is the main reason you’ve hit the bunker in all of the ten holes you’ve played so far.

Strokes
When you have already been making a pig’s ear of your round by lobbing the ball so badly off-course that you’re hitting articulated trucks and Deliveroo cyclists, you may experience what is known in golf as a ‘stroke’.

This usually occurs when your score on a particular hole is higher than your cholesterol level and you take out your frustration by hacking at the lovely smooth green with a putter, and roaring blue murder about a conspiracy against you.

You may wake up with your goofy looking 15 year old caddy standing over you frantically reading the instructions of the club defibrillator. You should have enough time to whisper to him that there’s a difference between a heart attack and a stroke and that an unnecessary electric shock could kill you. He apologies and pretends that wasn’t his intention. A stroke of luck, then.  

Hole in Wan
There are 18 holes on a golf course, each barely the size of the top of a super can of cider. These holes were deliberately put there – wink, wink. This provides a large number of opportunities to earn prize money by deliberately-on-purpose stepping into one and falling over.

Golf courses are full of solicitors, many of whom are expert ‘first responders’ to personal injury incidents. They can help you by urgently drafting a letter to the golf club owners seeking large sums of compensation and plugging any gaping ‘hole’ in your story.  The legal eagle’s cut in your compo claim will in turn help improve their own handicap by allowing them to spend more time golfing.