PROCs Guide to Leaving Cert Langers

1st Jun 2009

Guide to Exam Hall Langers
Alan Ger

Once again the leaving cert is upon us. While our sporting heritage to outsiders is well known the exams provide an annual opportunity for Corkonians to show that it's youth are academically miles ahead of the chasing pack too. No pressure lads and lassies!

We know its tough though and at this late stage all the studying is done. Now it's a matter of piling into the exam hall and doing the best you can. But sometimes things (and people) outside your control can affect your performance. Here's our guide to the most annoying exam hall characters known to man....

Ah Jesus feen wudja get a few cough sweets or somethin' bubbila!!

The Cougher
With the leaving and junior certs plonked right in the middle of the seasonal summer you'd think that colds and flus would be a rarity. Not so. With such unhealthy late-night cramming, stress and bad irregular eating student's immune systems can be weak and susceptible to illness.

Unfortunately with such once-in-a-lifetime burdens to be completed the show must go on and many snotty nosed clogged up leaving certers shuffle into exam halls regardless. Their loud runny noses, barking coughs and startling sneezes can play havoc with other student's concentration.

The Tutter
This annoying fecker wants everyone to know that things aren't going his way. The tutting begins as the exam papers are handed out - a tut for every section when a particular topic has failed to come up and another long tongue-sucking sigh every time he gets to the end of a very long calculation and gets an answer that doesn't seem right.

Like, how can you possibly end up with €13.45 after putting €50,000 in the bank at 5% interest for 25 years? On second thoughts, while the department of education corrector might discard the answer maybe someone in Anglo Irish bank would accept it.

A cosy place to store the modh cionníolloch for paper one

The Yesser
This cocky langer is far worse than the tutter. At least when you know somebody else is struggling too it gives you a bit of heart - maybe you're not the thick plank you initially thought you were.

This eegit however likes projecting his success loudly around the exam hall when a calculation works out or when he discovers that a question he had prepared comes up by hissing 'yesssss!' whilst clenching his fists and dancing his feet around under the table in delight.

As you struggle to even understand what's being asked by the examiners his annoying body-language does little to boost your confidence. The Yesser will always aim to be the first to finish and march out of the hall in a head-cocked triumphant clatter - often only a short time into a three hour slog.

Mr. Stationery
When engaged in one of the most important exams that you'll ever do it goes without saying that one should have a backup or two in the event of a pen running out. However, the "just in case" brigade insist on bringing two of every piece of stationery that they ever used since their first day at school - even into language exams.

Remember that cramming isn't fun but the time you spent NOT studying was.

Setsquares, projectors, pencils, sharpeners , coloured markers, compasses, four different sized rules, rubbers and a selection of ballpoint and fountain pens in all colours.

While none of this should be anyone else's business it becomes everyone's business every time he thrashes around the pencil case or knocks half of Eason's summer stock on to hall floor. This results in a horrendous cacophony of sound approaching the decibel level of a large road accident - making some, already nervous students release a small amount of wee in fright.

The Toilet Breaker
The average human adult bladder holds about 600mls before forcing you to take embarrassing liberty in a public place so gatting back a few litres of powerade or red bull for during exams will inevitably result in distracting tension around the waist line.

Despite the intellectual capacity required to complete the leaving cert this logic is still lost on the few who insist on over-hydration in an effort to keep their brains on the ball.

Every twenty minutes their hand shoots up frantically trying to attract the attention of the supervisor. The noise of the ensuing wet-lipped whispering to the supervisor along with the cumbersome departure and return from the bog are another unwelcome distraction to those nearby trying to do the most important exam of their life.

Hanging back to score with the supervisor might buy you a few extra minutes to finish off the last section

The Fifth Years
Even though they'll have to sit the leaving next year your class won't be around to taunt them back. Knowing full well that there are up to a hundred or more sixth years in the hall battling tough tests, fifth years hanging around near the school are dying to let you know that they're on summer holidays and you're not.

Their taunts manifest themselves with actions such as howling 'six year langers!' as they zoom past on bikes or banging a soccer ball against the exam hall fire escapes (usually followed by guffaws and cries of 'leggit!').

This will drive you round the bend - not because it breaks your concentration (if anything it'll have the whole hall in hysterics and provide some welcome comic relief from mundane differentiation and integration) - but because you know all the fifth year's are out in the sun having a laugh…

>> more..."Children of the Leaving"
>> more...Leaving Cert distractions (2006)
>> more...College is full of langers