PROCs Positive Fitness Regime

2nd Feb 2010

PROC's New Year Alternative Fitness Regime

If you're still struggling with your New Year's resolution to get fit or lose a few pounds and are tired of boring gyms where you have to listen to irritating "dance" music and watch someone half your size bench press a small car allow us to make a few alternative suggestions that will benefit Cork as well as the Corkonian….

Diarmuid McCarthy loses 5lbs a day filling sandbags at Inniscarra. Sometimes the harsh diet forces him to eat the sand.

Standing Around in the Cold
Although the first half of 2010 looks like it may be GAA strike-free on Leeside there's no harm practicing your marching around town (carry shopping bags for an extra sweat - wink!). You can also get a decent work out from just loitering in the cold for several hours, listening to replays of last year's street speeches by fans and players on headphones whilst jogging on the spot to prevent the onset of pneumonia. The weight will literally fall off you.

Sandbagging
Why pump iron in the gym on a pointless machine that contributes nothing to society when you can do something worthwhile for your county. Preferably with a partner, you can set yourself the task of filling 100 bags of sand in an hour with the motivation that failing to do so may result in the swamping of a hospital, local business or home in manky flood water.

Paul Galvin Style Fly Swatting
This involves having to work yourself up into a blind rage whilst flapping your hands at any object within range - preferably an item somebody nearby is holding. You then run away from the person who has been relieved of their possession and roar manically at a person of authority - your boss or a GAA linesman for example. The amount of adrenaline used in such a haze of anger along with the frantic hand movements will wear you out in no time.

Finbarr about to demonstrate the 'green belt'.

Water Carrying
Find an area of the city that has its water turned off (its not hard these days) and offer to help any families struggling with the shortage. Carrying two full five litre drums up and down the hills of the Northside will burn off those lazy Christmas calories in no time and keep the city's inhabitants thoroughly hydrated. It's estimated that Northsiders need an extra litre of water per day with so many Southsiders taking the piss out of them with drought related jokes.

Trolley Pushing
Strangely Cork City Council looks set to follow Dublin's lead and impose a 30 km/ph speed limit in the city centre on vehicles. With taxis and buses forced to drive at such a lethargic pace a loop-hole may allow trolley pushers to take passengers. What better way to build up those leg and arm muscles than transporting fellow citizens around town. Once you've mastered pushing your old doll up and down the streets offer those leaving fast food outlets to see if you can rise to challenge of carting our more generously proportioned brethren back home.

The Tadhg Kennelly Sneaky Elbow Workout
For those who have been expelled from their local martial arts clubs and wish to start one of their own we suggest taking lessons from some of the sneakiest operators in Gaelic Football. Get yourself a punchbag and watch clips of Tadhg Kennelly's vicious elbow attack on Cork's Nicholas Murphy in the opening seconds of last year's All-Ireland football final. Keep practicing the technique over and again to reach such speed and perfection that a referee would miss it even if standing five yards away.

Weight Loss at Pairc Úi Chaoimh
If you're over six foot and weigh enough to be able to squash full recycling bags into the width of a phonebook then this extreme weight loss action may be for you. The seating is so confined down the Pairc that getting friends to force you to remain wedged into your seat for an entire match will help you shed excess pounds quickly. Note that some of this weight loss may be blood so, if it's an intercounty-clash bring some white pillowcases for the full blood 'n' bandage affect.

Leary uses the Brian Corcoran patented tongue technique for increased power.

Rowing to Safety
If and when the next time the ESB release 595 tonnes of water per second in the middle of the night the city will benefit from anyone able to ferry stranded citizens of the Middle Parish to safety. As one of the most intensely energy sapping sports available to Corkonians rowing will strip the beer bellies, blubber and bingo wings off you in no time. Participants also get to sing The Banks in the most appropriate place possible while you're out training too.

Be Donnacha O'Callaghan's Tackle Bag
If you'd prefer something a bit more confrontational for your spring workout we're sure Cork's Donnacha O'Callaghan wouldn't mind some extra target practice for his upcoming Heineken Cup quarter final clash against Northampton. Before you sign up though it would be advisable to seek out a health insurance plan that covers torso disfigurement as well as fake tan removal.

Dam Building
City Council have been presented with a report that says it will take €100 million to make Cork completely watertight.

After the havoc wreaked by the floods in November the council could save millions by hosting the world famous Strong Man Competition thus convincing the world's steroid-pumped human JCB's into lugging giant blocks of concrete around the county and placing them near rivers.

Because the competition would take place in such a beautiful setting like Cork the TV rights would obviously sell for treble the normal fee raising even more grade to secure the county's defences.