PROC's Santy X-clusive

19th Dec 2007

SANTY EXCLUSIVE
Alan Ger

"Can't ye fix it like?"

The PROC can reveal exclusive secret details about Santy's Christmas Eve plans for his visit to the Rebel County next Monday night. A dossier left behind by one of Santa's elves during a recent diplomatic meeting in Cork with officials from the "Supreme Council for De Crissmuss" has been uncovered and in the interests of Cork's smallies it has been decided to publish a portion of the contents.

The meeting was conducted in a bar in Ahakista on the Sheep's Head peninsula so as not to raise suspicions about the Lapland diplomat - his small stature and pointy ears not being out of place in the remote West Cork hamlet.

Over a toasted special, both parties discussed issues concerning Santy's deliveries but the elf refused to reveal the route that Daidí na Nollaig would be taking across the county this year.

PROC officials had raised the issue as there were fears that the usual approach from the south coast may set off 'white Christmas' alarm bells on the coastguard and Navy radar screens continually monitoring the area for drug traffickers.

Typical: public sector workers on the hop.

SANTY'S CARBON EMMISSIONS

Also on the elf's agenda was passing PROC detailed information on Santy's new environmentally friendly sleigh. While it is well known that reindeers provide most of the vehicle's power, in recent years Santy's engineer's have had to add two supplementary jet fuel engines such was heavy load of toys for Cork alone.

"Cork kids are so good that Santy has to bring twice as many toys for them as those in other counties", the elf said, "this has put an extra load on the sleigh in recent years and it has been necessary to add more power the sled".

Originally engineers had been working on a nuclear powered sled but the "Nuclear Free Zone" signs at Cork City's bounds hindered their advancement. Fears had been raised at City Council that Cork's vehement stance on the nuclear issue might force Santy to dump presents for some children outside the city for collection by their parents on Christmas morning.

SANTY'S PARKING PERMIT
Other councilors raised the issue of the sleigh being towed away or clamped if found parked illegally but on this issue a "city wide parking permit" was issued by officials at City Hall's Traffic Division and mailed to Lapland for Santy to display on his sleigh while visiting Cork.

Two weeks ago PROC learned that design engineers at Boeing successfully tested a prototype sleigh which will allow Santy to use the power of jet propulsion but with a fuel that does not contribute to global warming.

The mysterious fuel, believed to be a volatile composite of hydrogen, sodium and magic dust, is being heralded as a guarantee that every well behaved Cork smallie will get what they asked for this Christmas.

When Kieran Fallon heard there was snow in Lapland he jumped on the plane. Wasn't quite what he had hoped though.

REINDEERS CRUCIAL
Just in case boys and girls thought that Santy's reindeers were about to become redundant, it was made known at the meeting in Ahakista that Christmas's favourite four legged friends provide much of the crucial navigation facilities needed for the action packed 24 hour round trip as well as a reliable power source if the new auxiliary engines fail.

In a disastrous test run in 2002 when the reindeers were refused permission to leave Lapland because of the foot-and-mouth crisis, Santy's newly installed GPS and SatNav systems failed abysmally, leaving many Cork children without presents until after dinner on Christmas Day.

"These terrestrial systems are suitable for slow moving vehicles like aeroplanes and cars, ", said the elf, "but Santy's sleigh moves at just below the speed of light rendering these fancy computers completely useless - poor Mr. Claus had to navigate by sight which took him much longer than normal".

DOPING TESTS
This year all reindeers are said to be in good shape and doping tests have come back clear. In 2004 top jockey Kieren Fallon was invited to Lapland to help prepare the herd for their annual round-the-world trip and the reindeers circumnavigated the globe in record time - finishing almost three hours early. A doping test was ordered by Santy, the results of which were not made public.

Concerns were raised around the world however when some children received their presents around 8pm on Christmas Eve before even they got into bed. This is against Santy's strict rules - all children have to be asleep before any presents are delivered and the idea of employing top coaches for the reindeers has now been scrapped.

There was also this final message from Santa headquarters:
"Garry McCarthy, age nine and a quarter, from Ballincollig should put the five euro he took from his mam's purse back or there'll be no wii he'll get what he wants this Christmas."

Nollaig Shona Díobh!