Pullin' a Pint Around the World

5th May 2009

Pullin' a Pint Around the World
Danny Elbow

Without doubt Cork bar staff are among the best in the world for service. Friendly, efficient and with an incredible ability to remember lengthy orders we often don't know how lucky we are until we go to other places and go for a pint. It's not fair or very politically correct to stereotype other cultures but it's fun. Time for a little wanton brush tarring of some of the world's bar staff:

A 'packed' bar in Rome.

Italy
For all the flare, sallow skin, good looks and shirts inappropriately buttoned half way down their chests the Italians are pretty flaky on the service front. Yes, you get to sit outside without constantly edging your chair closer to a gas heater or grappling with your collar to prevent a cold Irish draught whizzing up your pants and out your neck. Yes, the flirting with a sexy Mediterranean waiter/waitress is temporarily exciting for a pale gaunt looking Celt. Yes, you don't have to get up off your arse to order another drink.

But, it's the waiting that drives any Corkman spare - trying to attract the attention of the only waiter who gives off the aura that he's completely run off his feet with the huge burden of four tables in the bar he's trying to look after. Our advice is to order another beer as soon as you receive your first. That way it should arrive a few minutes after you've finished your debut.

Asia
When you journey so far away from Western culture to somewhere where people have an entirely different set of facial expressions and body language it can make for dumbfounding confusion when ordering a gat - especially after you've had a few yourself.

While asking for say, a dessert, after a meal, you might tag on "and another bottle of the that stuff if you're still out of Beamish" followed by a wink. This may be greeted with an unusual smile that may appear your request has been understood until a fish bowl crammed with dead snakes and a spoon arrives on the table. When you try to politely say that this isn't what you ordered they may

Sowwy, we no hah beamisss

now think you're pulling a fast one resulting in more than just flashbacks to Lost in Translation.

Forget the banter and ball hops. You're better off playing charades with an empty bottle and raising your other index finger.

USA
You can't deny that the watering holes in the States are usually staffed by friendly souls - sometimes to the point of unwelcome intrusion if you've gone for a quiet one with a copy of de paper that has just arrived in the post from Cork.

They are pretty quick and efficient (because most of them are Irish and have been pulling pints since they could reach the tap) mainly owing to the fact that the majority of pubs require that you order at the counter.

For all the fancy cocktail tossing bravado however you can't get away from the annoying tipping culture that prevails stateside. After handing over the correct change for your drink you may find yourself being uncomfortably starred at by the bar man - a dim smile on his face waiting for the additional fee - for going to the trouble of opening your bottle for you.

Cheap Spanish imitation of Cork's Bodega (re-opening this month)

It's allegedly the most lucrative unqualified profession in the U.S. and it's easy to believe. The cheeky langers get a dollar every time they open a beer bottle, wipe a counter or pull you a pint.

Spain
Cork and Spanish people always get on well - both love a dose of craic and unlike their northern neighbours in France these Mediterraneans love staying up late. Oh how jealous we are of their licensing laws!

The problem with so many Spanish bars is that their bar staff are as up for the party as the customers. In theory this sounds great but standing at the bar waiting for Juan and Carlos to finish doing the Macarena on the counter isn't always as fun as it sounds - especially if you've got a few parched Cork heads down the back demanding you go behind the bar and starting pulling pints yourself before half of Cork starts sobering up.

And those awful bright lights in Madrid's bars are not helpful for lobster raw Corkonians who forgot to put sun cream on that day!

France
It's hard to get a proper picture of what French bar staff are like because the bars are hardly ever open. It's either too early, too late, too middle-of-the-day ('cos their on their three ridiculous hour lunch break) or failing that they're all out violently protesting about something - probably burning down the other bars you'll try next.

A typical French bar, shut.

If you do manage to grab a gat in France it'll be a pricey twinchy 33cl yoke that you'd normally down in a few slugs. Forget getting stout here and unless you're into gently sipping expensive wine and discussing the flaws of other cultures then the French bar experience is to be avoided.

Dublin
While not far behind Cork on levels of efficiency there's nothing as abrupt and coarse as a Dubliner behind a set of taps. Maybe it's something in the Guinness but these langers have nothing but contempt for anyone who doesn't speak like they've got a large overpriced illuminated metal spike kango hammered up their hole.

While the yanks might be upfront about their weird overcharging in the form of tips, in Dublin it seems like barmen roar any price that they feel like charging you at your face. Expect to get little change out of a fiver for a mineral and expect the barman's hand to remain outstretched when you think the same amount is good for a pint of stout.

Isaht 'ow they do in Oirland mate?

Britain
The craic isn't quite the same across the water whether you visit Wales, Scotland or Eng-erland itself despite the omni-present Eastern European flahbag rescued from the local strip club.

There's something about ales that makes a stout connoisseur from Cork very uneasy. Pumping violently on a tap handle to expel frothy beer bubbles, it doesn't seem like as much thought has gone into the brew as the black stuff but each to his own.

While an Irish barman may be able to take about sixteen orders on the fly, English bar staff prepare your order: One. Drink. At. A. Time. After a lengthy lip-biting session of repeating yourself they go to punch it all in at the cash register and guess what? They've forgotten it all again. And then:

"And it was a twenty you gave me init?"
"Twas a fifty fella"
"Oh yeah sorry 'bout that mate! …You Oirish by any chance?"
"Nah biy. I'm from Cork myself."