Queen's Cork Schedule

15th Apr 2011

When ‘Herself’ arrives on Leeside in May there is concern that Cork’s historic lack of loyalty to the Crown and negligible interest in all things royal might pose some awkward moments for the monarch and her followers.

We’ve decided to make life easier for the lads in Buckingham Palace planning the visit by making some suggestions for her nib’s whistle stop tour of the Rebel county as well as noting some spots that might make things a little awkward….

Its always a dose when the wind blows the water off Da Fountain on to your bazzer.

The Royal Cork Yacht Club

Along with other far flung outposts like the Falklands, a small patch of Crosshaven is still part of the British Empire, and it would be an insult to the folk who have so vehemently kept RCYC in such a state of loyalty to the crown since the club’s birth in 1720 if the Queen did not pay a comprehensive visit.

The best time to hit Crossers is during the ‘Cork Week’ sailing festival and this should be moved to coincide with the royal visit. Cork Week is a fanfare of inter-class revelry as the sailing elite of Her Majesty’s Crosshaven compound offer local commoners from Carrigaline and surrounding areas permission to drink with them on royal territory.

This twenty-first century integration of haves and have-nots would no doubt please Ma’am greatly and who wouldn’t love to see some late night beer tent moves from the normally uptight Windsor family?

Let’s just hope gaffe-prone Prince Phillip can keep his head about him as the relentless streams of beer flow all night before everyone heads back to a yacht on the marina for a party.

Prince Philip points out the ruins of Henrys Back Bar to his Ball and Chain on South Main St.

Just imagine it. The Queen’s husband waking up the following morning a few miles off Roches Point in the bunk of a yacht. Amidst all the mad mid-race winch winding the white meek face of the Duke of Edinburgh peers sheepishly through the cabin hatch at the incredulous jaw-dropped faces of a heavily hungover Cork crew.

“Oh I say…one ought to be more careful about the one that’s one to many!”.

The Resting Place of Sir Henry, OBE

Sir Bob Geldof and Sir Anthony O’Reilly have been awarded OBE’s so a visit to the grave of Cork’s own ‘Sir’ is a must-do for the Queen’s visit. Imagine a ceremony where the marble mouthed monarch is prompted to begin a traditional Cork ‘everybodeee be somebodeee’ chant on the drab ruins of the best nightclub in the world alongside some of the city’s top ravers from the eighties and nineties.

Stepping forward into a circle of sweaty topless men and very short skirted women in the now grey surroundings of a car park, Mrs. Windsor would thrust her handbag on to the ground and begin a simple four-the-floor side-to-side shuffle whilst doing her best to raise her meagre voice and begin the chant. As everyone joins in she would then raise one hand and stab it into the air above her shoulder in a pointing motion.

The uplifting nature of the experience would lend itself greatly to nurturing Anglo-Irish relations as each ‘bodeee’ steps forward and hugs the Monarch for an uncomfortably long period of time.

There’s nothing more uplifting and reconciling than receiving a hearty hug from a heavily tattooed topless feen sporting an array of gold sovereigns who in other circumstances might be inclined to cause you severe harm. Anyone that facilitates this sort of rehabilitation is certainly befitting of an OBE. We salute you Sir ‘Aytch.

A sneaky fag and gat outside the Queens Old Castle

The Queen’s Old Castle

The Cork coat of arms still sports the legacy of the British royals in Cork. Either side of a sheltering ship lie the King and Queen’s castles respectively. While the King’s Castle has long been obliterated and lost from common parlance, the Queen’s Old Castle is still a familiar term to most Corkonians.

Although the old shopping centre is now long gone, replaced on one side by Argos and Director’s Cut and the Classic Bar on the other, the last remaining shred of evidence of the castles are the rounded corners of Fast Al’s at Castle Street and The Roundy bar itself.

The thought of the Queen walking into Argos with her trail of MI5 security men while Corkonians flick through thick catalogues of merchandise (complaining vociferously that the British store doesn’t keep hurleys and sliothars) is unlikely to get the old castle on the royal itinerary. Even if it did make it, the quietly spoken monarch might find it hard to be heard over the constant squawk of “order number three-hundred and seventy to your collection point please”.

However, now that The Roundy is serving toasted specials this would be the perfect place for Her Majesty to grab some grub and sample a pint of locally produced stout especially as she’ll be anxious to wash the taste of the Dublin brew out of her gob after her scheduled visit to the Guinness storehouse above in the Pale.   

And those with a royal connection that might not make the cut….

Queen cruisin' outside Burger 'King'

Burger ‘King’

Yes, we are scrapping the bottom of the barrel for royal references in the Rebel county having covered those above but after the Queen’s Old Castle this is about as royal as Cork city centre gets. Ma’am might find it quite a sight on a Saturday night as one observes with interest the highly animated natives and their inebriated Neanderthal lust for food.

King Street

The Queen might be disappointed to learn that instead of renaming King Street to ‘Queen Street’ in her honour following the death of her dad, the award went to somebody with far more affection to Corkonians. Now named MacCurtain Street in honour of the great patriot and Lord Mayor Tomás MacCurtain who was shot by Crown forces, for the sake of not dredging up the ‘awkward past’ to put it mildly, this tour stop might best be avoided.

CorkCricket Club

While Her Royal Highness might appreciate that the jolly old game of cricket is still played here in Hibernia she might not enjoy the irresistible ball-hops about her country’s defeat to Ireland at the recent World Cup clash in Bangladesh. It’s one hop of a ball she could do without.