Rebelnauts: Mars Mission on the cards

15th Jan 2008

Rebelnauts: Mars Mission on the cards
Finbarr Barry

Most of us have felt brave over the last two weeks venturing out into what most of us would call 'artic' conditions on Leeside. Bitter blistering winds from the east force their way in around your collar, sneak between your socks and jeans and cut into your face determined to force your body temperature into submission.

Tricolours probably photoshopped in by RTE

While we were all pussying around in temperatures a few degrees above freezing and getting hours of conversations out of dodgy roads and icy paths, Corkonians Pat Falvey and Clare O'Leary were trudging through the -30C ice fields of Antarctica with very little to say other than comment on their current state of pain and keep on walking.

As no Irishman or woman had previously walked the 1,200kms to the pole it naturally took the leadership and bravery of two toughened Corkonians to claim the pole for the Rebel County.

As if dragging sleds of supplies across the ice wasn't hard enough Pat and Clare were forced to babysit two Dubs who went along for the ride (probably to make sure a Cork flag wasn't planted at the pole instead of the Free State's tricolour) and despite initial concerns among extremist Corkonians like ourselves about their presence, the two less experienced Dubs thankfully didn't force their leaders into a "Saipan" with their ineptitude.

And what an incredible human Clare O'Leary has turned out to be. Despite her pettit frame when the going got tough and the other three members were carrying injuries the mighty doctor carried extra weight on her sled to make it easier for the boys.

In her day job she is a medical doctor in some of the most inhospitable parts of Tipperary something which obviously prepared her for the unwelcoming conditions at the arse end of planet earth.

Everest: done.

But what's left now for Pat and young Clare to conquer? As they have covered almost all the physical difficulties on Planet Earth (Everest and the highest peaks in each continent were a walk-in-the-park) there is no reason for us not to assume that the pair should now start making plans to conquer Mars.

While NASA and the European Space Agency spend billions on complex, unreliable probes, work should immediately begin on building the rocket to carry the duo to the red planet itself.

This time we feel it would be more appropriate if proper financial backing from the Irish government was more forthcoming and that the Rebel duo were not burdened by having "tag-along" sponsors in tow to fund their trip. A launch site to send the "Rebel Express" into space should be built without delay at the tip of the Sheep's Head peninsula with planning permission and Bord Pleanála to be ignored (we really can't wait another 10 years).

Pat and Claire will then embark on the 55 million kilometre journey in their snazzy spacecraft and chill out for a few months, preparing for the work ahead.

Conditions on Mars are slightly harsher than North Main Street in January with temperatures as low as -140 ºC in the red planet's polar caps which should whet the team's appetite for misery.

A billion dollar tonka truck

However Pat and Clare will revel in the Martian summer which boasts Myrtleville-esque climes of up to 20ºC in summer. This recognisable temperature range gives any Corkonian an advantage over those from place with less variable and intimidating weather systems.

So much hope and hard currency has been invested in surface rovers like Opportunity and Spirit but after spending millions of dollars, some of them didn't make the short journey from shuttle to surface. That's where our Cork team comes in.

Much of the precision engineering time invested in the U.S. and British probes have centred around trying to design implements for the "robots" to dig into the red soil and bag samples for testing.

The catalogue of malfunctions and frustrating refusals of the bauld rovers to do what they were told has been a never-ending thorn in the side of scientists. What better way to deal with the problem than sending Pat and Clare to the site in person and lugging all the bricks and mortar the scientists want back home.

If the scientists in the Command Centre in Bantry want a certain rock brought home for analysis, a simple text message will do the trick. Nothing like humans, especially Cork ones to the job right.

O'Leary and Falvey: the first Rebelnauts

The historic moment that the Rebelnauts disembark from their shuttle will of course dwarf Neil Armstrong's stroll on the moon and this time a giant red flag featuring a certain coat of arms will be planked on Martian territory instead of the tricolour forced upon them last week in Antarctica.

Cultural gifts to the hiding aliens will include Clonakilty black pudding, crubeens, a pair of hurleys and a single sliothar (the one will do them - not many places for it to get lost).

Hopefully, when the mission departs the sight of such wonderful gifts will draw out the shy Martians for a fry-up and a puck-around. With Cork's new territories approved at County Board level, it's always worth throwing the net as far as possible to seek new talent.

Tell Falvey to hurry up and get himself back to Cork. The Rebel Express is waiting.