Relief as Tom Cruise Officially 'Not From Cork'

3rd Apr 2013

Speaking of fools, there was another sigh of relief on Leeside over the last few days as it has emerged that Tom Cruise is NOT from Cork.

The Hollywood actor was presented with a cheesy diddly-eye “Certificate of Irishness” by Tánaiste Eamonn Gilmore in Dublin after it was accidentally-on-purpose “discovered” that he shares DNA with somebody who might have been from north county Dublin who lived there somewhere between the year 5000 B.C. and the Big Bang.

Cruise takes a dump on stage

The majority of those in attendance at the breakfast plamás at a secret undisclosed location were from “The Gathering” – an initiative being used to beg those with more than 0.01% Irish DNA to visit the island and waste their money on overpriced lattés in Dublin.

When it was revealed that Cruise was destined to receive the murryeah certificate of Irishness, (which holds no legal value but is P.R. gold) there was widespread concern on Leeside that the pompous langer would say he had roots in Cork mortifying locals.
 

Morto: sit down, langer.

Fears still remain in Cork that Cruise may follow other famous actors and purchase a house in the county flooding nearby towns and villages with Gombeens looking to see the couch-dancing actor in the flesh and, if they’re really lucky, sniff a piece of furniture he has sat or bounced on (see ‘snedging’ in the Cork Dictionary). 

Estate agents are being briefed by the People’s Republic of Cork Cop-On Committee on the implications of allowing pompous Hollywood langers the run of the county and all ‘For Sale’ signs are to be removed from houses while Cruise is still in the country.

In Dublin Cruise’s scientology cult has a permanent presence with a building on Middle Abbey Street offering naïve Dubs and foolish culchies a range of quare ‘courses’ - even when it’s not April fools.

There are unconfirmed reports that the church is being lobbied by the Healy-Rae family to open a branch in Kilgarvan, Co. Kerry. They'd swallow anything down there.