Revised Rules of the Road

6th Mar 2008

New Rules of the Road
Alan Ger

Sorry...did I see you use your indicator when you pulled in?

While progress has been made in terms of Corkonians opening up to each other with feelings and all sorts of other metrosexual emotions learned as teenagers watching Home and Away, there are still something we want to remain secret. Its not a good idea to tell everybody your business and every move. Cork taxi drivers have been staying loyal to this philosophy for a long time by keeping motorists around them constantly guessing.

Indicators
In the same way Gardai can break traffic lights, driving instructors don't have to wear seatbelts and pizza delivery men are allowed to do Evil Kinevil impressions in heavy traffic, the Cork public assume that taxi drivers are also exempt from using their indicators.

Surprisingly they're not, so we propose to amend the law to suit them by removing the indicators from their cabs. This will eliminate confusion and hesitation around them on the roads - at least ordinary motorists won't be expecting to see any signals and will drive with the necessary extreme caution knowing that taxi drivers are libel to do anything at anytime - with no notice.

So when was the last time a cab driver used the little orange flasher? According to our research, a taxi driver called John Mandeville from Mitchelstown was spotted using his indicator when turning right onto Brian Boru Street from MacCurtain St. in July 1985 while bringing passengers to the Lee Fields for some Cork 800 celebrations.

Mandeville was spotted by another taxi driver and later ostracised from the cabbie community. His Datsun Sunny was subsequently hijacked and found completely intact (except for the indicator stalk had been removed) in a cul-de-sac.

Mystic taxi drivers from North Cork were thought to be responsible and Mandeville's body was turned to stone and is still on view in his home town.

Sure..I was going to Bishopstown and you pulled straight across me ya clown!

40 Shades of Red
It's a sign of the times, now that drivers are breaking traffic lights so often in Cork city. In times past we were happy to be thirty minutes late for appointments. Now in our post-Celtic Tiger me-me-me phase, we want to be just twenty minutes late. Those annoying red lights that only ever seem to leave two cars through the junction, are the reason some of us try to make up time - at great risk to pedestrians and other law-abiding motorists.

Instead of having just one shade of red after the amber light shows, perhaps the set should turn dark red first which then gradually reaches a very glaring bright red colour. The various shades in between range from "stop" to "here STOP NOW feen" to "aright you're really taking the soup".

Sumo Wrestling & Road Rage
The Minister of the Environment should introduce sumo wrestling booths near major interchanges where road rage is likely to occur. The more spaghetti like roundabouts and interchanges around the city, where volatile road users are more likely to clash and aggressively hoot their horns, could have wrestling pens constructed nearby which disputing parties would drive into.

Both drivers would put on soft sumo wrestling suits and go to battle, punching each other's foam shells until all energy has been expended and both lie panting on the ground. They will then return to their vehicles having released all internal rage caused by the incident as well as the deep anger burning inside them, attributable to their terribly stressful lives.

Stinking Speed Guns
What if speed guns actually fired something slightly more sinister than infra-red beams to check how much you're breaking the limit by? The Gardaí have been traditionally unarmed and it would be nice to keep it that way. Some motorists however factor speeding fines and increases in their insurance from penalty points into their budgets - just like road tolls.

If you've just spent €70,000 on a brand new range rover, a fine or insurance hike of a few hundred quid is pittance for the joy of testing your new toy's speedometer.

However, with so many people precious about their new cars perhaps caking offending motorist's pride-and-joy in stinking slurry as they whizz by might cause the more arrogant drivers to think again. Rural locations would be ideal and farmers with excess slurry will be only too happy to park their tankers near the roadside to allow Gardaí to cake offenders in brown pungent vomit inducing sludge.

Take that you feckin SUV prick!

Positive Points
This one could be taken straight from the Hippies for Dummies almanac and placed right next to the section on positive enlightenment through use of incense and Bob Marley records. Instead of having Gardaí out in the cold waiting for ages for a vehicle to break the law they could bide their time by awarding 'positive points' to drivers who they deem to be model motorists.

Imagine if a reflectorised jacket popped out from behind a bush brandishing a notebook and camera and asked you to pull over. Peering in the window with that serious Garda Siochána look and patented Portlaoise Garda accent:

"Young man, do you know what I'm pulling you over for?"
"No Guard - I didn't think I did anything wrong"

"Your overtaking manoeuvre on the broken white lines was something else. I haven't seen anything like it in my entire career in the force. The indicator timing was superb, you checked your mirrors several times and left ample space before rejoining the left hand carriageway. I am hereby awarding you two complimentary positive points. Please attend the Cork district court tomorrow morning for the award ceremony."
"Great, but I'm going on holidays"

"If you fail to attend this acknowledge of your excellent driving you will be in contempt of court and could go to prison or face a fine. Good night now and drive safe."