Santy Raises Boldness Barrier

22nd Dec 2009

New Rules for the Naughty

In light of the current financial crisis enveloping much of the world, authorities in Lapland who manage the lists of naughty children have devised some new strict rules for children to adhere to if they want to ensure their Christmas wish-lists are granted.

Critics have branded this as 'cruel and unsavoury' but like everyone else Santy's administration is feeling the pinch too and has been asked by the IMF, who bank role the world's biggest toy producer, to cut down on inefficiencies and overspending by being harsher on bolder children.

Wrecking the front room with white emulsion is now an automatic 'bag of coal' from Santy

Kids who do not help their parents with cleaning and washing-up at home will now have their status on Santy's list changed from "not very good" to "quite naughty". Banging doors instead of closing them gently, leaving smelly socks around the floor, not washing teeth before bed, putting too much sugar on breakfast cereal and refusing to make tea for your mam and dad will now result in empty Christmas socks and no surprises.

Santy won't be happy about this

Smallies who insist on kicking up a dust when they are told it's bedtime will be moved from the "naughty boys and girls" list to "very naughty" list especially if they perform a pre-bedtime song-and-dance routine by lying on the floor, kicking and screaming in protest. This is also the same naughtiness category as "not doing homework", "spitting" and "apple slogging". A very serious list indeed.

Bold children who are found to not have practiced their hurling skills when told to do so by their coach, teacher, nan, granddad, older cousins, uncles or aunts will be moved onto the dreaded list in Santy's Toy Factory that says "VERY BOLD CHILDREN" in huge black letters.

No egg-scuses.

Every time elves working on the production lines walk past this big list they shake their heads because they know that those boys and girls won't have a very nice Christmas. These are the type of brats who write on walls or dogs, pour milk into DVD players, pour paint on carpets and pull people's hair.

These children will not receive a single thing that was on their wish-list and may be facing a Christmas trying to entertain themselves with bags of coal, ashes or shredded paper from Anglo Irish Bank's offices.

Dogs are not just for Christmas.

However, Cork smallies will be happy to hear that we have learned from our secret contacts in Lapland that nearly all Cork children have been very good this year and Santy is apparently looking forward to all the toys and goodies he'll be giving out tonight in Cork.

Finally a source at Lapland HQ, possibly Mrs. Claus herself, has asked Cork families who leave a drink out for Santy near the Christmas tree to make it non-alcoholic water, a flask of tea, coffee or a soft drink is more than sufficient to keep him going all night.

Dear Christy Ring...

As you might guess from the shape of his belly there are no concerns about leaving out too much food for Santy and any leftovers will be happily gobbled up by Rudolf and company as they belch and burp their way around the county.

Merry Christmas!