SCANDAL: Anti-Cork Litter Report Exposed

20th Nov 2008

IBAL's Anti-Cork Litter Report Exposed
Comrade Alan Ger

Some of you may have noted the recent media campaign highlighting Cork City as "dirty". A litter survey conducted by a Dublin-government funded organisation styling itself the Irish Business Against Litter published a preposterous report trumping Dublin as a cleaner city than Cork.

This grotesque insult to Cork's gleaming integrity was issued to the media on October 20th - the Monday before the city's biggest festival of the year. Efforts to attract tourists to the city for the prestigious Cork Jazz Festival were directly attacked by the Dublin based organisation who ensured that Cork's surprise status as Ireland's dirtiest city was splashed all over the national media on the very week it was trying to attract visitors.

Cork Street in Dublin. Teeming with rubbish.	Revolting refuse surrounds a Dublin bus shelter.

To add insult to injury the beautiful hilly harbour hub of Cobh received a proverbial kick-in-the-balls by being named as the 26-counties' most "littered town". There was no doubt in most level-headed Corkonian minds that the twin-pronged attack on Cork's principal urban areas by a Dublin institution were timed to perfection and designed to hurt us in places far more sensitive than our giant sized Cork crown jewels.

In the interest of fairness and balance the PROC set up a committee on your behalf to set about the task of finding out if Dublin was actually filthier than Cork.

Filthy bus shelter on Cork Street, Dublin.	Domestic filth thrown about Cork Street Dublin

As our budget amounted to little more than €50 worth of petrol, enough mobile power to take about 20 photos, two bags of Barry's Tea and a packet of silvermints we decided that the best thing to do was to consider one significant street in each city and compare their cleanliness.

Unlike the mysterious IBAL report we have furnished you with a wealth of disturbing photographic evidence that makes a mockery the "official" report which provided no visual evidence in its "damning" report which stated that Cork's approach roads were the reason it was issued with such a controversial result.

Dublin Hill: a place to feel proud of when one looks at a comparable area in Dublin.	Dublin Hill: clean as a whistle despite allegations by an anti-Cork litter report.

In the interests of balance and fairness and bearing our meagre non-public funded budget in mind we decided to choose Dublin Hill in Cork and Cork Street in Dublin as the contesting showcases - both approach roads to their respective cities. The conclusions, dear Corkonians, were deeply shocking.

First we inspected Dublin Hill and have laid before you photos as categorical proof of the area's hygienic purity. Well kept greens, neat bus stops, undisturbed park benches and beautiful flowers neatly placed in pots.

The Blackpool area is not known as a scenic area and has suffered from litter and degeneration problems in the past - namely lack of funding from the Dublin Government as the root cause.

Blackpool Shopping Centre: immaculate.	Kilbarry just off Dublin Hill: lovely.

The new shopping centre and office blocks on the Mallow Road have obviously encouraged proud locals to keep their area clean and tidy with thousands of eager shoppers descending on the nearby commercial sites each day.

Smack bang in the middle of the Northside and, as if you didn't know from the name, the hill counts as an "approach road" to the city to the extent that even rail passengers arriving from Strumpet City can peer down on it from on high.

Dublin Hill: spotless and clean.	Even Holy Mary lives on Dublin Hill.

Then, having put it off for as long as possible, two members of the team journeyed to Dublin. Sully's civic was caked in Cork flags and bunting and driven at high speed into the capital of the Republic of Ireland on your behalf and parked as illegally as possible on Cork Street (a stone's throw from St. Patrick's Cathedral) while Comrade Murphy's posh mobile camera began to capture the outrageous filth of Dirty Ol' Town.

A chairde, never have we seen such disgraceful hypocrisy and inaccurate reporting as the IBAL/Teagasc report that scandalously claimed Dublin to be "litter free". The immeasurable quantities of litter on Cork Street in Dublin is a gross insult to the very word "Cork" and we have written to Dublin Corporation on your behalf to suggest that the name of the street be changed to something more suitable like "Filth Street" or "Rubbish Road" so that the stinking stench of Dublin's filth is disassociated with the Leeside gem as soon as possible.

You must be joking!! IBAL's outrageous allegations against Cork City and Cobh are clearly unfounded and may be classified as incitement to hatred.

We were duly informed that the "Cork" in the street name refers to the type of wood with which the anglicised version of 'Corcaigh' also shares its name. Nonetheless, as the Cork Factory has long been decommissioned it is time for West Britain to remove the Glorious name of Cork from its stinking roadways lest the Beautiful City's image be in any way linked with its appallingly marred reputation.

Dearest readers, your city is being bludgeoned by untruthful media campaigns emanating from the very institutions that your hard earned income tax is funding. The new tactic of other jealous Irish cities has turned, like desperate American republicans, negative.

No longer can these urban areas talk down their horrifying gang wars, never ending gridlock, appallingly ugly citizens and revoltingly rubbished roadways. Instead they have turned to trying to drag our dear city down to their own level - deep into the murky mire.

Don't be hoodwinked. The new inter-urban war will be fought in-part via the media and we in Cork must scrap tooth and nail to win the battle. For those in doubt, just remember that the Truth will always prevail.