Scientists Fail to Find Object That Can Be Carried in Cork Rental Bike Baskets

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Scientists Fail to Find Object That Can Be Carried in Cork Rental Bike Baskets

19th Apr 2016

Scientists at UCC have failed in their bid to come up with an object that could be carried successfully in the basket of a Cork bike.

For over a year a team of post doctorate researchers have been working on several theories behind the construction of the bikes’ peculiar baskets. Amateur enthusiasts, cycling fans and conspiracy theorists have been discussing the possibilities since the bike scheme was launched in early 2015 and the general public has been waiting patiently for answers ever since.

A detailed study was carried out at the Baasket Case Research Centre in UCC’s Department of Physics assessing the baskets’ construction process and scientists paid particular attention to the narrow saggy black belt running around the metal bars.

Initially when the bikes were rolled out across the city it was believed that the bikes were yet to have their baskets installed. The Dublin bike scheme, although inferior in every way because it’s in Dublin, does have a proper basket which Dubs find handy for transporting weapons and shop lifted items.

Basket Cases

“Unfortunately under the dictionary definition of the word the basket structure of the Cork bikes does not actually qualify as a basket”, said Professor Adam Sapple, “the object itself needs to be classified as a ‘container’ to meet the criteria of a basket and that means being able to carry something for more than one metre without it falling out and rolling pathetically into the middle of traffic on Patrick Street to be rolled over by the 208”.

A major problem with the baskets, which are identical to those on bikes in both Limerick and Galway, is that there is no criss-cross structure to ensure its content remains in the basket. Instead the designers attached floppy straps at the sides and a mysterious piece of droopy red material at the front.

“One would have at least thought if they were going for a strap method that it would be tight and taut but that doesn’t seem to have been part of the plan here”, said Sapple, “we just failed to get inside the designers’ heads”.

We would have preferred Frankfurt's way.

Visitors to the city who, like locals, otherwise rate the bike scheme very highly are equally perplexed when they try to place something in a bike’s basket.

“Yesh, I am thinking this is great for my baggages and I love bikes”, said Louis Van Der Gowl from The ‘Dam who was struggling with the basket system at Kent Station last Tuesday afternoon,”but they are only providing dish strange seat belt kind of thing. I cannot put my clogs and other inventory in dish. I am needing the instructions please?”

An impressive guide does appear in the floor of the “basket” which gives users information on how to obtain a bike and how to operate the much lauded super-smooth gear system but there is no reference to or instruction as to how users can carry any object in them.

The UCC study followed a similar line to the search for intergalactic life when seeking the dimensions and weight of something that could be carried successfully.

Anna Geary self-draughting at the bike scheme launch

Extensive trials of thousands of practical every day objects like shopping bags, schools bags, bottles, cans, shoes, coats, jumpers, hurleys, sliotars, books, musical instruments, laptops, newspapers were carried out all which were ejected from the bike baskets within a few feet of leaving the bike station.

“Even if every object we tried failed we assumed that there must be some perfect ‘Goldilocks Zone’ where an object that was not too big and not too small, not to square and not too roundy, not too light and not too heavy that might survive at least a number of metres in the basket before being ejected.”

Researchers were jubilant when a size four Gaelic football was carried from the college gates to Washington Street in a basket sparking a week of excessive drinking and wild celebrations - much to the irritation of local residents of course.

Unfortunately the partying was deemed to be premature when it was established that after even moderate braking or a slight bump on the road the ball was sent tumbling to the ground – a bit like a Kerry corner forward on Munster final day.

Basket Cases
A number of cyclists have developed their own single hand techniques that allow the safe passage of a limited number of goods including shopping bags if held firmly by hand on top.

“It’s great but if you’re holding it with your right hand you can only turn left really so you can get stuck in town doing circles for a few hours”, said Finbarr ‘Ballhop’ O’Sullivan from Brown’s Hill.

“Given the bike scheme’s official name and corporate sponsor you would have thought that the very least the baskets would have been capable of carrying was a bottle of Coca-Cola Zero”, he continued, “but since the baskets can’t hold anything at all maybe it was the ‘zero’ they were thinking of when they designed them!”