Stade de Frank

20th Nov 2013

Cork will be ready to host the Rugby World Cup but is the world cup ready for Cork? We take a look at some of the issues that stand between the fourth largest sporting event on the planet and Leeside.

Stade de Frank
How big should the new Pairc Úi Chaoimh be? Of course the proper thing to do would be to build a stadium that is bigger than Lansdowne Road and Croke Park in the first place. Everyone is assuming the World Cup Final will be in Dublin but with a bigger stadium capacity and a far nicer and safer city, Cork could go directly to the IRB demanding the high-profile final be held on Leeside.
 

Stade de Frank: Tá sé ag teacht

First of course we need to give the redeveloped Pairc Úi Chaoimh a second name to make it easier for international rugby fans to pronounce. Who better to name it after than the Cork County Board secretary Monsieur Murphy.  

By that time the stadium will be able to seat spectators who are taller than 5 foot comfortably and where better to wine and dine World Rugby’s prawn sandwich brigade than the Beamish rooms -  deep in the bowels of Stade de Frank.

Don’t mind the Cabernet Sauvignon and canapés boy, only get a pint of Bay-mish and a hang-sangidge down your neck!

Smallie Invasion
In keeping with tradition the GAA would have to insist that at least 2,000 children under the age of 12 rush on to the pitch with hurleys and sliotars as soon as every rugby match at Pairc Úi Chaoimh ends. This would frighten the living daylights out of burley rugby players and produce some fantastically entertaining slow motion clips of the terrorised giants as hundreds of kids start practicing their 65’s before the teams have had time to realise the match is over not to mind getting off the pitch.
 

Traditionally at big matches down the Pairc at least 20% of the crowd end up on the pitch.

The Buttera Parade
The traditional pre-match parade around the stadium led by either the Buttera or the Barrack Street Brass band playing the ‘Boys of Fair Hill’ must be made mandatory for World Cup 2013. Big rugby stadiums tend to like forcing the atmosphere at games by playing songs over the tannoy but the parade will sort all that out as wave after a wave of screaming fist-pumping supporters brings tension to boiling point before the throw-in/kick off.
 

No rugby match should be played in the Pairc without a parade

Transport Infrastructure
The rugby world cup would also open up the possibility of rugby types visiting a GAA stadium for the first time and, of course, it should be made as easy as possible for them even though you can be sure most of the infrastructure funding will be kept for south Dublin.

After getting all the necessary vaccinations, rugby fans from areas like Montenotte could be transported to Pairc Ui Chaoimh across the Lee by zipwire or cable car. This gives operators at the Blackrock side the option of dunking them in the river if they start acting the langer. 
 

He hasn't gone away you know

The smell of chips
For a real authentic GAA experience it wouldn’t be right if every time heads pop up out of scrum the players didn’t get a waft of curry chips from a van out on the Marina. Instead of smelling the turf inches from their faces, big hungry prop forwards would be inspired by the unmistakable sweet hum of a vat of GAA brown curry – undoubtedly resulting in improved performances and less of those mind-numbing ‘scrum resets’ that seem to plague the sport.

The varying intensity of the smell will also help penalty kickers to tell when a gust of wind is coming thus leading to higher scores and more exciting matches. 

An Clár
Although Pairc Úi Chaoimh is desperately poor when it comes to Irish language signage, GAA authorities should still insist that all announcements and official World Cup match programmes are fully bilingual – including all rugby players’ names.
 

Laoi Leathphingin in a sheasamh

The clár would become a collector’s item by taking Welsh full back and Lions star ‘Laoi Leathphingin’ down a peg or two with only a smaller ‘Lee Halfpenny’ translating text underneath. And who wouldn’t get a hoot out of a substitution announcement as gaeilge as a struggling All Blacks side bring on the big guns against Ireland?

‘Ag teacht isteach anois le geansaí dubh, uimhir a deich, Dainéil Ó Chartéir!’

Sub Notes
The great and mysterious GAA tradition of substitutes handing notes to referees as they bolt on to the pitch must be insisted upon during any Rugby World Cup played at Pairc Úi Chaoimh.

With up to 10 replacements its always great craic to see the man in black struggling with a Filofax worth of small random pages – especially if they start blowing around the pitch and players have to get involved in dancing around the pitch after them.  

At Least Mumble Minutes of Added Time
If we are to milk this rugby business properly then we have to pull every udder on this cash cow until it’s dry. This “time off” and “time on” lark won’t wash with the GAA and games that end in draws must have replays and not extra-time if they are to be allowed use our stadiums and the IRB will have to be told who is boss when it comes to final whistle. 
 

Now lads, did either of you see a knock on and was yer man off his feet at the breakdown?

Hurling and football fans are used to vague announcements about when the end of a match will actually occur so just when you thought your crowd were home and hosed with a six point lead the crackly tannoy insists that “there will be at least mumble minutes of additional time”.  How long?!

Oops, sorry the sound system must have crackled at the vital moment and…oh it looks like two goals have been scored so see you all again next week!

This is a not-so-secret message to the referee to ensure that the match is a draw resulting in a second big money day for the association and local businesses.