Drisheen Stocks Soar After Calls for Corkxit

27th Jun 2016

You’ll be glad to hear that the People’s Republic of Cork troops have been keeping a protective eye on the English Market and the Queen’s Old Castle this week after Britain’s shock decision to leave the EU and transport their country back to 1972.

Our defence moves are not so much a traditional military ring of steel but more of an innovative ring of charm and sing-song plamás featuring black pudding, tripe, fresh fish and bags full of two euro tat to keep those tourists smiling.
 

Trading was brisk on the floor of the Cork's stock market this morning with drisheen rising by 11.4% before lunchtime.

Corkonians were shocked on Friday morning to hear that not only was the value of sterling falling faster than a Kerry footballer but that finance houses were reporting that “English markets” were plummeting too.

Thankfully after dashing down to Grand Parade we saw that the roof hadn’t fallen in on our beloved institution and that there was nothing but the usual calm among shoppers and the traditional silent tension between stall owners who have beef with each other. And not the bovine kind.  

We wish the Brits well with their self-imposed isolation and fulfilling dreams of turning the clock back on their country to a time before they signed up to the EU. 1972 was a year their embassy was burned down in Dublin and their soldiers were shooting innocent civilians in Derry.

Back in the early seventies U.K. citizens will no longer have to put up with unelected presidents of various EU institutions and will instead continue to pledge and sing their loyalty to Queen Elizabeth II – the head of state who has topped the poll at every general election in the UK since 1952, it seems.   
 

We'd join up with them if we could understand what they were saying

With referenda mooted in both Northern Ireland and Scotland and a lot of disappointed outlying areas of the U.K. that voted overwhelmingly to stay in the EU like The Isles of Scilly (56%), Gibraltar (95%) and Dublin/West Britain (110%) they will worry about their isolation from Europe.

Cork should also strike while there’s talk of making a run for it. With suggestions of the Scots and Nordies holding independence votes we should also consider doing a legger with our own sovereignty under our arm.

Our preferred method of leaving would be by the traditional “fixed-vote” method used by lots of new countries who need a strong man or single party parliament to run the show – in other words stuffing ballot boxes to get the result we want.

That would keep the percentage of Corkonians who want to leave the oppressive Dublin state so high (98% sounds nicely authentic to us) that military intervention by the Irish army to prevent us leaving would be seen as undesirable and unjust by the international community.  

It would also save a load of coin not having to buy military hardware to match the threat of the pro-Dublin forces – catapults and peashooters are expensive enough these days. Although given their history of deafness claims just some very loud speakers at the county bounds would have them all screaming for mercy and a good ambulance chasing solicitor.
 

The Irish army training for the possibility of a Corkxit near Kilworth recently

The “Corkxit” negotiations would start straight away. Given our commitment to human rights and general soundness, one of the top priorities for the new government of the People’s Republic would be to ensure free movement in and out of Cork for all people. Except Kerrymen. They will have to wear collars, be kept on a lead at all times and prevented from writing opinion columns in our national newspapers.

The power and enormous amount of corporation tax paid by the county’s pharmaceutical companies that are normally wasted on projects like the Luas in Dublin and trying to stop Dubs shooting each other would be spent far more wisely in Cork.

The long-promised Basic Underground System (B.U.S.) will be a big priority – no longer will Norries from Fair Hill and Churchfield have to climb hills to get back home after coming into town for tracksuits and tattoos and extra padded seats and champagne glass holders will also ensure Sorries and their humongous bums will be able to ride back to Blackrock and Douglas in extra comfort.

The PROC government will also be proud to continue the bluff about the events centre – we will ensure that the charade of murryeah-building plans will continue long into the current century with the first concert to be a comeback gig from an aging Justin Bieber Junior in 2085.

We would also create our own All-Ireland championship limited to Cork teams. At the moment that looks like the only way we’d have any chance of winning silverware in September and fans wouldn’t have to bother with expensive trips to Dublin, Thurles and Killarney for finals.

The time for a referendum is here, folks. Let’s get ready to start stuffing those ballot boxes!