Sure Tiz Only Murder - 10 Tips For Cut-Throat Sales Shopping

22nd Dec 2017

The sales are starting earlier and earlier every year so whether it’s a last-minute present or a 6am bargain follow our no nonsense guide to cut-throat sales shopping….

1. Are You Willing to Kill?
If you are prepared to commit homicide to get your hands on the very best bargain then keep on reading otherwise you have no business going to town this Christmas.

2. Fail to Prepare, Prepare to Fail
If you are determined to beat the crowds and be the one that gets that single suite of leather furniture or unnecessarily large television for “an unbelievable price” then we suggest mapping the store and recreating the layout in a field with traffic cones and electric fencing.

By the time they open for the big giveaway you should know how to get to the right area of the store so well that you could do it blindfolded while being shouldered by Cork footballers Eoin Cadogan and Michael Shields at the same time – leaving rivals in far behind and empty handed.   

3. I Predict A Diet
Avoid all indulgent food in the run up to the sales – including Christmas Day. If you’re struggling then a bit of cranberry sauce in your protein shake won’t kill you but you need to be in top shape for the real ‘big day’. When the doors open rival shoppers might be a yard ahead of you but if they get a Christmas cake stitch or have to stop to ‘clear out’ some of last night’s stout you can steal a yard on them and get to the bargains first.

4. Buy and Cell
Pretending you’re out on Christmas release from a high security psychiatric prison is the ideal way to jump huge queues.  “Sorry, do you mind if I go ahead of you ‘cos if I’m not back in my cell and straight jacket by 5pm they’ll activate the suspended sentence I got for driving over the other guy too.”

5. Treble Parking
If you really want to bring acting the langer to a new level then parking in front of a car that is already double parked gets you bonus points. Double parked drivers can’t really say anything to you without looking like total hypocrites – and if they do, you can say you were just giving justice to the driver on the inside.

6. Orange Orders
As any good barrister with experience of high court murder trials will tell you, having your hazard lights on while you commit a crime completely absolves you of it. Even when the twin bulb catch you loading your car with bags of something suspicious that just came off a Colombian registered yacht loitering off Courtmac and skippered by a well-known member of a Dublin gang the cops can’t touch you if your indicators are flashing.

Stuck for parking in town? Lash her up on to the kerb outside the Peace Park and power up the orange disco.

7. ATM Punch Ups
Laser card tapping has reduced ATM queues at Christmas time but you still need to factor it in as lots of hippy places that sell the incense soap and Yoga books you need for your sister only take cash. Taking a course in the Israeli martial art of Krav Maga will ensure you mow down rival shoppers like soldiers at the Somme. 

8. Sledging
Initiating psychological tactics against other rival shoppers plays a huge part in post-Christmas sales war so don’t be afraid to start sledging your ‘opponents’ as you queue in the cold for a piece of furniture. If you’re out queuing for bargins at 6am you clearly have no soul so mocking them openly in the hope they’ll break and leave isn’t going to make you any less of a human as you’ve already reached rock bottom.

9. The Dark Arts
Remember that there are no referees once the doors are open. The shops that have conned you and your fellow eegits into getting out of bed to give them your coin at 6am don’t care who gets what. That means it’s open season for the dark arts once the crowds are released into the shop – blocking, hooking, jersey tugging, ankle-tapping, slide tackles and pepper spray are all fair game.

10. It’s Not Over Until the Fat Lady Checks Out
If you’ve missed out on a bargain by seconds all is not lost, there might be someone in the checkout queue who hasn’t paid for the exclusive pair of shoes you wanted yet so you could just grab them off them – sure, it’s not stealing if they don’t own it yet.

If it feels a bit immoral just remember that it’s 6.10am on Stephen’s Day morning and you thought it was ok to be in a shop in town because there was a few quid off a jacket so you’re already going to hell - you might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb. A sheep with nice new shoes of course!