Terror as Cowen Takes on Foreign Affairs

18th Jan 2011

Embassies around the world have gone into a diplomatic frenzy with news that bungling Taoiseach Brian Cowen has taken over the foreign affairs portfolio of Ireland.

The man who became famous around the world for his catastrophic handling of the Irish economy and infamous slurring interview after a boozy night out in Galway is now, very worryingly, in charge of Ireland's international relations having taken the post from Minister Micheál Martin who has resigned.

There could be trouble ahead. What is Cowen likely to make a balls of next?

Although since Cowen's appointment as Taoiseach, Ireland has ceded much of its sovereignty to the IMF and EU, there are still real concerns that the rotund Offaly cow puncher could cause international mayhem with his disastrous record in government.

UN secretary-general Ban Ki Moon has sent specific instructions to instruct Mr. Cowen to "shut the fuck up" before he even opens his mouth, lest he do irreparable damage to various international peace efforts around the world.

The Dalai Lama has also sent a message to ask Cowen to help contribute to world peace by assuming a horizontal meditating position, preferably in bed with his phone turned off.

Dalai Lama reacts to the news

The Irish army are also bracing themselves nervously for Cowen's tenure. Although the peace mission in Chad ended last May there are still a number of smaller presences in flashpoints around the world including the Congo, Liberia and most worryingly the Middle East.

North Korea said it will attack Offaly with nuclear weapons if Mr. Cowen even so much as mentions the country in the same breath as Ireland. The paranoid state is highly superstitious and believes that Ireland's famous lucky charms have run out.