The Alternative County Board

4th Feb 2008

The Alternative County Board
Finbarr Barry

As opinion on both sides of the Cork GAA stand-off hardens it seems there's little chance of a resolution with only a few like Donal O'Grady suggesting alternative arrangements. It looks like those involved are going to have to put on their thinking caps if Cork are to have any involvement in the league or championship this year.

PROC's new county board had their first meeting last Friday

O'Grady suggested in his newspaper column that a director of football position be filled by somebody acceptable to the players and that Teddy Holland could then stay on as bainisteoir until the end of the season, after which Cork would revert to the old system.

While the former Cork hurling boss is at least throwing out some food for thought it's unlikely that Teddy Holland would concede to having somebody of equal or similar authority standing in the dugouts during the league and championship. The situation would be temporarily farcical but with a few tweaks might at least get Cork teams out on the pitch.

THE ALTERNATIVE COUNTY BOARD
On behalf of the fans, we could approach GAA Central Council with the idea of a temporary independent alternative to run Cork football until September.

This approach would preferably be accompanied by a letter of support from the players and the County Board, relinquishing authority for inter-county football matters for a period of eight months to the PROC Football Council until matters are resolved out of the glare of the media later in the year.

The new football council would be made up of several representatives from all sides in the debate including a number of football legends and chaired by a member of the Peoples Republic of Cork.

Instead of having a banisteoir at each game, a loud hailer system will be set up around the field of play, allowing members of the PFC to dictate instructions to the players. The PA announcer's job will be filled by the chairman who will take computerised votes from members of the panel and then concoct the result into a vocal instruction to players.

PROC will issue instructions to the players via this unique control centre

WEIGHING IN
The voting will be weighted in favour of those who have attained previous All Ireland success. For example an official from a junior club whose only claim to fame was a runners-up medal as a substitute in a Scath na Scoil final of 1948 will not have as much authority as that of an All Ireland inter-county medal holder or a successful club coach.

Details of the extremely complex voting system that results in instructions being sent to the players will be given to each member of the committee all of whom would have to pass a test to confirm that they understand it.

During a match the committee will sit in a lorry container outside Pairc Úi Chaoimh with blackened out windows matching the game on a big screen with muted sound so as not to be influenced by supporters.

THE WAR ROOM
Members will be seated around a large board room table in the "war room" which will have subuteo like plastic figures to outline proposed tactic changes and positions for set pieces. We will also ensure that sufficient tea is always available.

Teddy Holland and his current selectors would be allowed to pick the starting fifteen and the PFC Committee would not be allowed to interfere with tactics or issue substitution demands for 15-20 minutes after throw-in unless the team were more than six points in arrears.

One place on the PFC can be left for the Cork public to text their opinions to the committee during the match but only a sitting member of the committee can table a motion to issue an instruction. The specially designed computer software will also be able to factor in texts that contain GAA fan favourites such as "tell 'em to cop on" or "they've no pride".

PROC's Cork Football Team Control System 1 - Lash a water bottle to the ground in anger 2 - Move James Masters to the right corner 3 - Control pad for Michael Cussen's arms 4 - Tell Noel O'Leary's to calm down 5 - Send on water for Noel O'Leary 6 - Roar 'cop on t'yourself' at Noel O'Leary 7 - Punch Graham Geraghty control 8 - Hug players

PS2 CONTROL PADDLE
Each member of the committee will have a specially adapted Playstation 2 control paddle which they will use to make tactical decisions as the game progresses. If a majority of members make similar decisions on their paddle then the chairman will issue corresponding instructions to the players via the tannoy.

If members would prefer a wii style control system to express intense physical frustration at events on the pitch PROC's programmers should be able to provide this at no extra cost allowing for all sorts of arm swinging and pride-of-the-parish air punching to be factored into the voting system.

SAM SYNDROME
This heart attack inducing frustration is often caused by the mysterious SAM virus (Sudden Adult Malfunction) that affected a number of Cork footballers during the 2007 All Ireland final which caused the part of their brains that controls logic to malfunction and revert temporarily to what doctors have described as "junior B" mentality.

Medical studies into the rare unexplained condition are still on-going and we suggest that all profits made from this year's football campaign be directed to a research fund to try to battle the elusive condition.

As the arrangement is temporary it is suggested that those involved in the temporary joint-management arrangement should not be known publicly but those individuals would still have the support of the players and county board executive.

The hand over of power back to the Cork County Board will be completed the day after Cork complete their championship fixtures which we assume will be in late September. If things go one better than last year who knows what'll happen…the new football authority might be adopted for good!