The Case for Cork To Remain Within the Republic of Ireland

9th Oct 2017

Catalonian flags have sprung up around the People’s Republic in the last two weeks as the aspiring nation gears itself up for independence. Flapping in the damp wind that hurtles its way down Barrack Street the Basque and Catalonian flags recently hung up on poles there stoke nationalist feelings among Corkonians too.

Struggling for independence is a dangerous game however as we have seen from the messy scenes in Barcelona and there are two sides to every story. Not every Catalan wants to cut ties with Madrid. Similarly not every Corkonian wants to sever links with Dublin. Apparently.

In the interests of fairness and balanced journalism we now put forward the case for Cork remaining within the Republic of Ireland.

We’re too small to be independent
Cork couldn’t possibly hold its own as a completely independent country because of our size and small population. Look at places with a similar population to Cork that have tried to function as independent countries.

As soon as Iceland (which has 100,000 less citizens than Cork) got the keys back from Denmark in 1944 it froze over and has been kept in a freezer in a supermarket in Scotland ever since.
 

And has anyone ever really been to Malta since they went their own way in 1964? It must have sank cos we certainly haven’t heard from them.

Monaco, Luxemburg, Barbados, Tonga, Greenland, The Faeroes, Belize, Samoa  and Andora are other examples of countries that were accidentally deleted from the UN database of official countries and tarmaccadam’ed over because they had such small populations.  

Stronger Together
Paying for Dublin’s out of control drug problem and political vanity projects like its extravagantly expensive street train is a privilege that every Corkonian is grateful for. When toiling at your job day- in-day-out it is important to be proud that your PAYE is being spent on helping drug dealers to get from one end of Dublin to the other more easily. This is what nationhood is all about: unity, togetherness and getting out of your mind on pills.

Major Investments in Infrastructure
To be fair the magnificence of the new event centre on South Main Street is a testament to the Dublin government’s commitment to investing in Cork. When Dublin band U2 played the venue’s opening night it was clearly meant to mend the frosty relations between the Pale and the PROC.

Strolling around the beautiful event centre boardwalk with your old doll on a warm summer night whilst marvelling at the huge central government investment does help feens to think deeply about how lucky we are to have such a great government up in Dublin that promised so much and delivered it.

Now that we also have a motorway to both Waterford, Limerick and Galway it has massively reduced the number of accidents on the Mallow Road and that terribly windy road that snakes up to Buttevant is only used by tractors these days so it doesn’t matter who gets stuck behind them for half an hour.
 

These luxurious and spacious hospital wards will be a thing of the past if Cork goes it alone

Appreciating The Health Service
Remember the 1980’s and the dark days of the ‘trolley crisis’? Can you imagine arriving at A&E writhing in pain knowing that it could take anything up to a two days to be seen by over-worked doctors. Even elderly patients had to sit on hard trolleys for hours on end, many of them dying without dignity in chaotic corridors.

Now that the Dublin government fixed the whole thing and you can stroll into any hospital and be seen straight away by a well slept doctor who isn’t on the verge of a nervous breakdown, it makes us so grateful to be part of an efficient and well run state.

Homes For All
Remember that there was also a time when the Dublin government was so bad that families had to live in hotels and thousands of children didn’t have a place to call home. That problem was sorted during the Celtic Tiger when they made sure we would have enough houses for everyone if the economy tanked.
 

If Cork leaves the Republic of Ireland it could be the end of warm and spacious accommodation like this for homeless people in Cork.

Nowadays, nobody lives on the streets because of the strong leadership shown from the Pale. Let’s be grateful for Dublin rule and how this problem was spotted way in advance and sorted.  

Sporting Minnows
If we broke away from the Republic of Ireland we would have to form our own football association and we would be classed as minnows. Little countries hardly ever qualify for major tournaments do they? Countries with millions of citizens like Ireland comfortably saunter into World Cups and European Championships every time they come around.
 

And even if we did qualify, it’s not as if you see countries like Iceland beating giants like England in major tournaments like the Euros and nearly getting to the final while their fans endearing themselves to the world with a spine tingling Viking chant. Don’t be silly.

The last thing you’d want several times a year is a major international soccer side coming to Cork to play football against a team managed by Roy Keane and captained by recent Republic of Ireland man-of-the-match David Meyler.